Flatlined- mr WHO?

If you are seeing a post then that means one of two things: 1) can't share this on Facebook as it divulges too much brokenness that will either shame me or wreck my friendships 2) these thoughts are too deep for facebook and I am in some sort of crisis. I am a little fuked right now when it comes to work. mr Rz is doing FUK ALL as I am bringingin like $645 a month. FUK me. And to add to this I feel just too depressed to play...I don't have a desire right now. Think I am done. As well, I just applied or my old position in Calgary, finding jobs for handicapped people. I was trying to FUK up the interview cause I was like. FUK ME..I DON'T THE FUK WANT TO DO THIS JOB WITH FUCKING HANDICAPPED, MENTALLY FUKED PEOPLE AGAIN. Ok well FUK this I will write more later

Fresh soil for little saplings

Today as I played songs and encouraged the little ones 2-3 year olds in music, it was probably one of the funniest times ever. Jumping laughing...one Chinese boy Jeffery who did not speak English at all a few weeks ago was laughing and fully participating in the music and comprehended a lot of what was being said, responding with so many smiles. As I tried to name each child and bless them with encouragement, the Lord gave me a picture " little potted saplings, so fragile and young and small. As I encouraged and shared God's love and really spoke life and affirmation and encourage,ent God's big hand added tons of rich fresh soil and patted it down so they would grow healthy, big and strong" What a beautiful picture. Thank you Lord!

Changing my vocational reality

Felt a lot of shame today whist and after I gigged at a one year old's birthday party. Was so jealous of everyone there: young hip families with houses and brand new cars. Then I started feeling jealous of friends at the church who have more than just our 'scraping by' existence. I think this is healthy shame. Ashamed that I cannot take care of my family well. Ashamed that my wife has to sacrifice and work while homeschooling our kids. Ashamed that I have put far too much effort into a Children's music business that is going nowhere. God's intentions for this was to be a ministry, not something I need to do to feed my family. Mr R is something I do too minister and share God's love and be more open with using kids worship songs and God songs. My reality is I am only bringing in $465/month that at the height of my success I was making a little over $1000. The reality is "good idea" bookings are not good enough. My brainiac homeschooling concert has but 4 kids and siblings.coming. And I am in the red with the rental facility. I LOSE money tomorrow as part of my "job". The reality is that I need to apply for any job now cause we do not knowe how we are going to make ends meet. The reality is ...I have 3 kids and a wife to look after. And I am so ashamed I didn't get a real degree and have a real job to look after family.

Trusting He will take care of it all

Not sure where to start.
Really trying to manage my stress as I am so frustrated with finding work.

I will give you my website so you can see who I am but lets keep a secret ok...you will have to piece together the words as I do not want "google" finding my site:

www.      mr      ra   y      z   .com

See. I think I have a good thing going, but there has been tons of epic fails:

• Xmas campaigne: rawk while you shop...for sure i thought parents would be there enjoying a concert while the other spouse went shopping. kids looked after and having fun. NOTHING
• Homeschooling concert.This is next week and NOBODY has bought any tickets(ok 2kids)
  i do not understand this. i thought for sure parents would come.

I also realize thatthe only reason I made money on the last concerts is because they are themed dress up concerts (valentines, St.Pattys)...music was just a side bonus

Well ....looks like Mr Rz is gonna be dead soon...at least during the week...an occasional weekend booking....gotta keep looking and trusting my God for a job to take care of my family.

A real job

Stress WTF no calls?

Think stress is trying to knock me out.

Tons of resumes sent out. NOT ONE CALL. Very very unusual for me. fuck fuck.

*sigh*

In totally unrelated news: thrivewithbipolar.com Rawls!

Ok that's about all I got.

Birthday praise to my 40th feb 26 2012

Hey there! Hope you are having a wonderful day! You desirve it! Your such a great man of God! I thank you for teaching me tools that will take me far in this lifetime. Your important and valued! May God bless you and walk with you as you follow your dreams!

Young man I raised up in worship :Joshua W

     He said, "That word-faith stuff is about manipulating God, this is different. Read it again."

     So we hung up and I opened my N.T. to Mk.11:24. Jesus says, 
"Ask for whatever you will and believe you already have it and it will be yours."

     Although I have preached through the N.T. countless times I never preached on this verse or its parallels in Matthew and John. I didn't because I wasn't sure what to make of them or, more likely, I simply didn't believe them. My next thought was where do I get off choosing from Jesus' words what to believe and not to believe?

     At this point, I said to myself, OK, I have to think this through. Is Jesus really telling us to play make believe or live in denial, pretending we have something we don't? Then I saw it. 

     Wait a minute....

     I already believe what this verse is really saying. I have been preaching and writing for decades that we received all we will ever need for our life in and through the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus 2000 years ago. Along with Peter, I have been saying that all we need is provided for us already because of our participation in Christ (II Peter 1:34). I had simply never connected the "everything we need" with my own need for healing. This is ironic and embarrassing since I wrote the best selling book on Christian healing 20 years ago. Over those 20 years, I have prayed for many thousands and seen hundreds healed, and sometimes dramatically so. But if they were not healed, I never told them to believe regardless. I said instead, let's pray some more.

     At any rate, on the evening of Nov. 16, 2011, I said to God, this is the last time I ask for my own healing. I am now going to believe I have it and say thank you. That ends my responsibility in the matter. The "and it will be yours" is your responsibility. I look forward to seeing what you do.

     I thought, as with my friend, it would take time for anything to happen and was prepared to take a stand regardless. But I awoke the next day - and it was as if someone switched on a light. Depression lifted and I had more energy. There have been ups and downs during the past 40 days, but the trend is decidedly up. I have not felt this well in 10 years.

   COULD THE SOLVING OF SOME OF OUR PROBLEMS BE AS EASY AS ASKING FOR HELP, BELIEVING WE HAVE IT, AND SAYING THANK YOU?

     It seems too simple, too childlike. And of course, it is... 
"unless you change and become like little children..." Matthew 18:3.

From Ken Blue 's blog. http://kenbluegoodnewsgracenotes.blogspot.com

Waiting

So I know that sometimes God just wants us to partner with him to work towards his loving purposes in our life.

The plan can be as vague as " work to provide for your family"

Rarely do I think that means he tells us EXACTLY what to do, but he gives you a bunch of options and clues to what you are good at.

So I am trying not to freak out when I have NO GOOD OPTIONS for work right now.

The kids music business is sucking ass now.

And nothing on the job market looks good or would fit into something p/t that I would like to do. So wait on God is my best approach.

Oh and I was in a low depression for about 13 days before today. Stress perhaps?

Refocus on Jesus

Getting outta this tailspin

Been getting a couple strong bouts of depression today. The nuggets punch came when my hopes were crushed because of an arts grant I would not get this year ( my fault spent 2 days filling it out all wrong.fuk. And it is due in 2 days and I do not have any more time to fix this)

I have been stressed out over not getting any responses or emails back re:work and had put all of my he into this Mr Rayz $15000 grant. Ain't gonna work now. Have to re focus and put my heart and trust and faith into Gods hands.

No other way out of this but to put my complete confidence and trust in my God who loves me and will alway always provide for me and my families needs.

I choose to believe you are good, know already what I needed and I thank you Father God.
In Jesus name, amen R

Career suicide or slow period

So let's just set the facts out:

-A-tree preschool dropped me b/c of a bad Bp temper incident

- PreKgarden dropped me cause they wanted to have more exposure on our tv clip even though none was promised

-sunridge mall things I am trying to scam them for $5 child ticket

Yah I am pretty fuked as a kids musician. Fuk fuk.

But I am feeling depressed and don't even want to play to,or row...think this may be it. Fuk it