Changing my vocational reality

Felt a lot of shame today whist and after I gigged at a one year old's birthday party. Was so jealous of everyone there: young hip families with houses and brand new cars. Then I started feeling jealous of friends at the church who have more than just our 'scraping by' existence. I think this is healthy shame. Ashamed that I cannot take care of my family well. Ashamed that my wife has to sacrifice and work while homeschooling our kids. Ashamed that I have put far too much effort into a Children's music business that is going nowhere. God's intentions for this was to be a ministry, not something I need to do to feed my family. Mr R is something I do too minister and share God's love and be more open with using kids worship songs and God songs. My reality is I am only bringing in $465/month that at the height of my success I was making a little over $1000. The reality is "good idea" bookings are not good enough. My brainiac homeschooling concert has but 4 kids and siblings.coming. And I am in the red with the rental facility. I LOSE money tomorrow as part of my "job". The reality is that I need to apply for any job now cause we do not knowe how we are going to make ends meet. The reality is ...I have 3 kids and a wife to look after. And I am so ashamed I didn't get a real degree and have a real job to look after family.

Trusting He will take care of it all

Not sure where to start.
Really trying to manage my stress as I am so frustrated with finding work.

I will give you my website so you can see who I am but lets keep a secret ok...you will have to piece together the words as I do not want "google" finding my site:

www.      mr      ra   y      z   .com

See. I think I have a good thing going, but there has been tons of epic fails:

• Xmas campaigne: rawk while you shop...for sure i thought parents would be there enjoying a concert while the other spouse went shopping. kids looked after and having fun. NOTHING
• Homeschooling concert.This is next week and NOBODY has bought any tickets(ok 2kids)
  i do not understand this. i thought for sure parents would come.

I also realize thatthe only reason I made money on the last concerts is because they are themed dress up concerts (valentines, St.Pattys)...music was just a side bonus

Well ....looks like Mr Rz is gonna be dead soon...at least during the week...an occasional weekend booking....gotta keep looking and trusting my God for a job to take care of my family.

A real job

Stress WTF no calls?

Think stress is trying to knock me out.

Tons of resumes sent out. NOT ONE CALL. Very very unusual for me. fuck fuck.

*sigh*

In totally unrelated news: thrivewithbipolar.com Rawls!

Ok that's about all I got.