Changing my vocational reality

Felt a lot of shame today whist and after I gigged at a one year old's birthday party. Was so jealous of everyone there: young hip families with houses and brand new cars. Then I started feeling jealous of friends at the church who have more than just our 'scraping by' existence. I think this is healthy shame. Ashamed that I cannot take care of my family well. Ashamed that my wife has to sacrifice and work while homeschooling our kids. Ashamed that I have put far too much effort into a Children's music business that is going nowhere. God's intentions for this was to be a ministry, not something I need to do to feed my family. Mr R is something I do too minister and share God's love and be more open with using kids worship songs and God songs. My reality is I am only bringing in $465/month that at the height of my success I was making a little over $1000. The reality is "good idea" bookings are not good enough. My brainiac homeschooling concert has but 4 kids and siblings.coming. And I am in the red with the rental facility. I LOSE money tomorrow as part of my "job". The reality is that I need to apply for any job now cause we do not knowe how we are going to make ends meet. The reality is ...I have 3 kids and a wife to look after. And I am so ashamed I didn't get a real degree and have a real job to look after family.

1st store/ "Birthday guy"

1st children's store had another 3 child turn out.
Well 2 new kids from FB and 1 from church.

6 CDS are in store. Sold to date: 0/6

Zero.

On the bright side,I am really relieved and content to be the
"birthday guy"
There are a lot of children musicians that end up just being p/t performers
Or entertainers that no one knows shit about.
I googled tons.
Not everyone gets to be like B&L on Treehouse.

I get it.
S
Now I can lower my expectations of myself and stop stressing over trying to be the next fucking wiggles. Fuck.

So glad I did not book a huge venue for a Saturday show: like fuckin Trico, I would be throwing away another:$800

Feel a lot of peace about finding another job. Hope I get called back for this $20hr family worker job.

Seacrest out!

Pep Talk 2: Your Family Needs to Eat

Listen up loud and clear:

NOONE  ELSE IS GONNA PROVIDE FOR YOUR FAMILY.

Your wife is committed to making the house work: looking after all your needs and the needs of a 6 year old, 3 year old and 15 month old.

She can take care of the family if she has the resources.

YOU must provide the resources.

And when you feel OVERWHELMED and full of INSECURITY and DEPPRESSION
you need to call upon the power of your MIGHTY, LOVING, SAVIOUR GOD
to give you the WILLPOWER to succeed. and to push the DARKNESS of YOUR SOUL aside 
...don't give in but DEFEAT those dark sad emotions...and LIVE for YOURSELF, YOUR GOD AND YOUR FAMILY.


  THEY ARE COUNTING ON YOU......and God knows that and he wants to support you and your dreams and your calling.


Thank you Jesus. I lean on you, trust you and love you
Ray