Stuck with no crowd...my music in a vortex

So it has been 3 years since my kids music business started.

3 years.

3 years and no big crowds.

3 years and I have lost 2 big preschool & pre-K clients

3 years and I played to 7 kids today @ my bi-weekly Friday shows.

3 years and i and my wife are still killing ourselves at an evening janitor job that we hate...5 days a week.

3 years and making $400

3 years and 2011 I make $680 less due to a bipolar rage episode I had with one big preschool ( did i mention i lost them)

3 years and I don't know if its fair to my family and myself, as it seems I cannot responsibly provide.

3 years and i HAVEN'T led any children to Christ like I felt called to do.

3 years and I am 39 years old and I wonder if I can keep this up

3 years and I am facing the reality that my fuck-head friend Eric was right. I should give the fuck up on this dream, "wake up" and get a real job to provide for my family.

3 years and I have been completely stressed out.

3 years and I am now depressed and don't think I can "will" this kids music business to work.

bare Fridge

so I am enjoying the sounds of my 3 kids playing so well in the living room together...laughing and chasing each other. Then I look in my fridge for dinner/snack.

It is stripped bare. no bread. no milk. no eggs.

and fuck head here who worked for 1.5 hours for YMCA Eau Claire and even then it was so fucking hard to keep everyone's attention.

I am not providing for my family...and realistically i can see that any bookings I get will be in the future. For now I better look for something. or we starve.

Fuck bipolar or mental illness...starving and big broke is an even bigger worry.

Pep Talk 2: Your Family Needs to Eat

Listen up loud and clear:

NOONE  ELSE IS GONNA PROVIDE FOR YOUR FAMILY.

Your wife is committed to making the house work: looking after all your needs and the needs of a 6 year old, 3 year old and 15 month old.

She can take care of the family if she has the resources.

YOU must provide the resources.

And when you feel OVERWHELMED and full of INSECURITY and DEPPRESSION
you need to call upon the power of your MIGHTY, LOVING, SAVIOUR GOD
to give you the WILLPOWER to succeed. and to push the DARKNESS of YOUR SOUL aside 
...don't give in but DEFEAT those dark sad emotions...and LIVE for YOURSELF, YOUR GOD AND YOUR FAMILY.


  THEY ARE COUNTING ON YOU......and God knows that and he wants to support you and your dreams and your calling.


Thank you Jesus. I lean on you, trust you and love you
Ray

Busk FAIL..cold calling only alternative.

Mood: 5.2  wife said I have been acting "aloof" the last couple days and she has been giving me my space

Busk at Eau Claire.

$5.05 is my take after 2 hours.

Pathetic.

I came home more resolved than ever to cold call and expand my bookings. There is no other way.
I was extremely nervous to set up my first busk today.
I know now that my anxiety matches the nervousness I felt this morning at Eau Claire,....but my poverty-like chillings that I took after 2 hours of hard work has changed me.

My insecurity is no big deal I will get over it and after 100 phone calls get 5  repeat gigs. Not personal.

Here's my winning game plan:

Cold  Calling  Script  09.2011

“Hello, 

 I am (*&(&( phoning from &**((*(*((*(*

 I bring an exciting music experience to your:

• Preschool
• Moms Group/Family
• Special Event

 With a live interactive program of original songs and

 special audience tools, like shakers and ribbon sticks that children love!

 My concerts have been @: The YMCA, Libraries,
                                    Many Preschools & Special Events

                                    Like Hootenanny at Heritage Park

  and Stampede Breakfasts

1) We have openings for bookings and would like to know if you would
     like to share a *&(*&^(*&(  with your children’s group or
     classroom

**Please let me email you a link to my website & a free song download
   for your time =D**

2) We are looking for venues to hold our *&^*&^*^*^*^*^ concerts

     that target moms & tots groups and young families.

    Are you interested in meeting to learn more about
    how a&*&*^$^$  can compliment and 

    enhance your business 

"I can stress myself out just fine, thank you..."

Man have I ever stressed myself out today.

Phone marketing to maybe 10 places: 9 seniors for "Skiffle for Seniors" cigarbox uke I am trying to make and 1 phone call to the Catholic Schoolboard.

It is my responsibility
It is my responsibility
It is my responsibility

I choose this life: to be Mr Ray, children's musician.
I have no one else to blame. So when I feel the suffocating weight of "holy fuck  i am gonna starve me and my family doing this fucking self employment job"..*sigh* it is mine alone to bear.

Just have to pray, take deep breaths and really get into marketing, contacting and now busking. Last resort but I need to make money...and who knows? maybe busking will be an amazing success for me.

Deppressed that no one has bought my cd: i have probrably sold maybe 12 cds....$144 ( gave some at a discounted price)....gave more than 50 away...I am in the red $2500 still and seeing no return.

ah well, at least with my SEO thing I realize that what I want to happen is :
"get young families, moms and kids to come to my shows!"

That is as simple a mission statement that I can get.

Deep breath.

God please please help me...I am making no money at this ministry and I need you to bless it and open up doors!
Thank you and sorry for being grumpy,

Ray

clearing your mind, adjusting your attitude

Being a children's musician has mentally prepared me to push against the unstoppable juggernaut of anger/irritation/deppression.

In this mixed state I am trying to analyze the reasoning behind my feelings. Today it is because it is a gag reflex for me to man-pout when I don't get my way ( I really wanted to go shopping for my daughter A's 6th birthday, which happens a week today as well as buy some groceries while Atara's parents looked after the kids. Fine, so we are going there this afternoon...does that mean we are taking advantage of them instead of just enjoying 'family time'.why must i manipulate my external family to get what I want?)

So I am trying to re-adjust my thoughts and attitude and send myself on a different emotional projectory.

Now going back to my vocation with children...

At every concert that I begin, even if I am mad as hell, grumpy or in the deepest deppression that no light can ever penetrate, on those days that I make it through to perform I have to push, no hammer back those negative feelings and put on a happy face and attitude to become a performer and minister to kids.

The amazing benefit is that usually by the 3rd song I am into it and as the set draws to a close I leave happy.

Today I have no shows, but I just do not want to go to my inLaws. Too much to go into today but extremely fucking unhealthy is gigantic reason why I do not want to participate in their world. It is just too uncomfortable and jarring.

So hear I go again swinging the hammer of Thor against the steely irritation of my heart.