Changing my vocational reality

Felt a lot of shame today whist and after I gigged at a one year old's birthday party. Was so jealous of everyone there: young hip families with houses and brand new cars. Then I started feeling jealous of friends at the church who have more than just our 'scraping by' existence. I think this is healthy shame. Ashamed that I cannot take care of my family well. Ashamed that my wife has to sacrifice and work while homeschooling our kids. Ashamed that I have put far too much effort into a Children's music business that is going nowhere. God's intentions for this was to be a ministry, not something I need to do to feed my family. Mr R is something I do too minister and share God's love and be more open with using kids worship songs and God songs. My reality is I am only bringing in $465/month that at the height of my success I was making a little over $1000. The reality is "good idea" bookings are not good enough. My brainiac homeschooling concert has but 4 kids and siblings.coming. And I am in the red with the rental facility. I LOSE money tomorrow as part of my "job". The reality is that I need to apply for any job now cause we do not knowe how we are going to make ends meet. The reality is ...I have 3 kids and a wife to look after. And I am so ashamed I didn't get a real degree and have a real job to look after family.

My music career is almost dead

So I try and try but now I need to look for a f/t job to look after my family.

Everyone says"you are so great at doing music for kids"

But no one comes to my concerts.

No one.

Lots of reconciling & business learning

Ok at the end of the day I get weirded out by people bartering with me for services.
3 coffee shops,1 bookstore, city of Calgary & libraries and YMCA & Discovery House Shelter and nobody haggles prices with me but this huge conglomerate says:

We spend $5000 on advertising so we need you to do 10 shows for free to pay for advertising your kids shows. Meanwhile everyone else is like " cool do my coffee shop lets split advertising. Bye

As well I am learning about spiritual warfare and not slandering anybody.
James 3: True wisdom

Gonna read it now.

Stay blessed!

1st store/ "Birthday guy"

1st children's store had another 3 child turn out.
Well 2 new kids from FB and 1 from church.

6 CDS are in store. Sold to date: 0/6

Zero.

On the bright side,I am really relieved and content to be the
"birthday guy"
There are a lot of children musicians that end up just being p/t performers
Or entertainers that no one knows shit about.
I googled tons.
Not everyone gets to be like B&L on Treehouse.

I get it.
S
Now I can lower my expectations of myself and stop stressing over trying to be the next fucking wiggles. Fuck.

So glad I did not book a huge venue for a Saturday show: like fuckin Trico, I would be throwing away another:$800

Feel a lot of peace about finding another job. Hope I get called back for this $20hr family worker job.

Seacrest out!

Remember your limitations-act wisely

So I have neither the talent or the resources to take my kids music business further.

That is just the hardcore reality.

My family suffers if I do not attempt to be responsible and make a living that supports all of our needs.

Unless God opens more doors,there is little I can do:

I have lost 2 huge clients since I started this business including:
-PreKindergarten
-Appletree

Smaller
-Great Beginnings

I have also lost ALL of my audience from last years
cedarbrae concerts. ALL of them.
Unless I can work huge shows Fri-sun,it is not gonna happen.

I will have to run music classes like everyone else

I also still want to move to Vancouver and that will definitely NOT happen
If nothing changes with my income

It has been a great ride.

Time to go forward and look ahead.

Rv

"Change of Pdoc" recital

3 out of 5 pucks

the following is a rehearsed speech I will graciously give my mental health team on why i am leaving them

Mr Dear Dr. P

Thank you for caring for my mental health over the past 7 months. Time sure does go by fast when we are having fun doesn't it?

Now I must be frank with you:

I do not feel supported as your patient and do not feel like we connect. As we both know, the therapeutic relationship is keenly built on trust in order to build a place of safety, trust and healing. Sadly, I feel the same way about Armando my "mental health therapist".

Thank you for respecting my wishes as a patient and best regards.

now what i am thinking in my head but cannot say lest we complicate the situation

"Why do you want to continually feed me mega doses of lithium? My blood-lithium level has ALWAYS been low ...since i was diagnosed 7 years ago and my previous dx-ing pdoc...who has 23 years MORE experience than you has always maitained I only have "acute bipolar disorder" hence the low dosage---that has kept me happy & stable. But alas my rookie think-tank "i only follow text books"pdoc...YOU refuse to read my chart and comply with it! so hence i will be your guineapig no longer. I bid you GOOD DAY SIR!!


*sigh*

God i pray for a smooth & painless exit to a new pdoc tomorrow. : )amen

FIrst Saturday of 2010

2 and then 4 out of 5 pucks

Happy New Year 2010 folks

Today a minor episode of low-end bipolar grumpiness came during a brief "marriage touch up" conversation. My wife & I are working on our relationship hard core and when it gets stressful, i first get bipolar grumpy and then bp drained and tired.
And there is just no way to avoid these transparent conversations if you wanna grow in love with your soul-mate.
So after I slept it off, I felt much better and we started having a decent relationship again.

Here's to all of us working through our real issues with God in hand so we can bring about growth and change and even deeper love to those we are called to be with.

Jesus: help us love like you do--in such openness and forgiveness that all who we embrace are changed. Thanks for your power, your heart and your presence to make this prayer a reality.
For your kingdom's sake, RV

Responsible Distancing in Healing Marriage

2 out of 5 pucks

I am feeling the weight of my punishment now.
My wife & girls are away for a week, while we process thru some of our marriage issues. It is "responsible distancing' as Terrance Real says (google him, he's a great family therapist) explaining why you need space and when you will return.

Coming home to an empty house is brutal. I still see my girls every other day, but knowing the hurt I have given my wife is hard to push through. We have confessed we still love each other, but I need to take strong responsibility for our lives & relationship. Managing my bipolar with way less 'down' time in the past 3 months since Nina died has shown my wife I am capable of alot more than I have been doing. hiding behind bipolar is no longer an option and I make no excuses unless I have really hit the bp wall and I need a day or two to regather my strength.

I have consistently gone to work and taken care of business for 3 months with only 1 or 2 'bp days'. I forced myself to keep going and God just lifted off any funk I'd be in within hours of pressing ahead....it is a great skill I am learning to use.

My 'sentence' ends Friday when my wife & girls come home, but i miss them now.

Hold me God and walk beside me in my waiting.amen

Wake the Fuck Up & Save the Marriage

-100000 pucks and now at 3 pucks

GOt the shit scared out of me today withe Atara's truth talk:
Hate the way i have been treating her, bipolar is my crazy excuse for evrything because I donot wwant to "man u[p" and be present to family.

Scott howell gave me great talkin and brotherhood...I am learning:

2) Honour my woife with what I do for her. How can I llove her. Help her. show her OI love her
2)be responsbile , do not run away/escape hide , blame it on BiP. I can change.
"God can't do it for you" he will empower you when you make step s to choose to live a life right and blessing others.

so much more to say bugt i need to change myself to benefit Atara my best thing that ever haooened to me and my girls.

Nina is being taken care of by God. Never could never lie...she was terrible at it. My dad name : Muchlis means Liar"...i am charting new path to live in the light.

Dad-God love & hjelp me show me how to do it. I lay the weight if my life on you holy God

Love
your boy in CHrist,
R
cheers,