Waiting

So I know that sometimes God just wants us to partner with him to work towards his loving purposes in our life.

The plan can be as vague as " work to provide for your family"

Rarely do I think that means he tells us EXACTLY what to do, but he gives you a bunch of options and clues to what you are good at.

So I am trying not to freak out when I have NO GOOD OPTIONS for work right now.

The kids music business is sucking ass now.

And nothing on the job market looks good or would fit into something p/t that I would like to do. So wait on God is my best approach.

Oh and I was in a low depression for about 13 days before today. Stress perhaps?

Refocus on Jesus

1st store/ "Birthday guy"

1st children's store had another 3 child turn out.
Well 2 new kids from FB and 1 from church.

6 CDS are in store. Sold to date: 0/6

Zero.

On the bright side,I am really relieved and content to be the
"birthday guy"
There are a lot of children musicians that end up just being p/t performers
Or entertainers that no one knows shit about.
I googled tons.
Not everyone gets to be like B&L on Treehouse.

I get it.
S
Now I can lower my expectations of myself and stop stressing over trying to be the next fucking wiggles. Fuck.

So glad I did not book a huge venue for a Saturday show: like fuckin Trico, I would be throwing away another:$800

Feel a lot of peace about finding another job. Hope I get called back for this $20hr family worker job.

Seacrest out!

Remember your limitations-act wisely

So I have neither the talent or the resources to take my kids music business further.

That is just the hardcore reality.

My family suffers if I do not attempt to be responsible and make a living that supports all of our needs.

Unless God opens more doors,there is little I can do:

I have lost 2 huge clients since I started this business including:
-PreKindergarten
-Appletree

Smaller
-Great Beginnings

I have also lost ALL of my audience from last years
cedarbrae concerts. ALL of them.
Unless I can work huge shows Fri-sun,it is not gonna happen.

I will have to run music classes like everyone else

I also still want to move to Vancouver and that will definitely NOT happen
If nothing changes with my income

It has been a great ride.

Time to go forward and look ahead.

Rv

bare Fridge

so I am enjoying the sounds of my 3 kids playing so well in the living room together...laughing and chasing each other. Then I look in my fridge for dinner/snack.

It is stripped bare. no bread. no milk. no eggs.

and fuck head here who worked for 1.5 hours for YMCA Eau Claire and even then it was so fucking hard to keep everyone's attention.

I am not providing for my family...and realistically i can see that any bookings I get will be in the future. For now I better look for something. or we starve.

Fuck bipolar or mental illness...starving and big broke is an even bigger worry.

Pep Talk 2: Your Family Needs to Eat

Listen up loud and clear:

NOONE  ELSE IS GONNA PROVIDE FOR YOUR FAMILY.

Your wife is committed to making the house work: looking after all your needs and the needs of a 6 year old, 3 year old and 15 month old.

She can take care of the family if she has the resources.

YOU must provide the resources.

And when you feel OVERWHELMED and full of INSECURITY and DEPPRESSION
you need to call upon the power of your MIGHTY, LOVING, SAVIOUR GOD
to give you the WILLPOWER to succeed. and to push the DARKNESS of YOUR SOUL aside 
...don't give in but DEFEAT those dark sad emotions...and LIVE for YOURSELF, YOUR GOD AND YOUR FAMILY.


  THEY ARE COUNTING ON YOU......and God knows that and he wants to support you and your dreams and your calling.


Thank you Jesus. I lean on you, trust you and love you
Ray

Rings & Toddler Tunes in the Media

4.9 out of 5 pucks

Man has it been over 2 weeks scince my last post? Sorry guys!
But yes life has been really good so far and I haven'thad a down time yet, so BP is doing good.

The ring pic, is one we have been looking at today online. Y'see I lost my wedding band in BC just before we moved to Calgary, and have been feeling really naked without it! My wife & I have 8 years behind us and I want another reminder of the coveneant I made with her to be together 4ever.

ALSO in even bigger news:

a Lifestyle show called "Living Calgary" on CBC TV have approached us to do a story on Toddler Tunes:
"We love the idea of giving children their first concert experience..." and I almost fell out of my chair!

This is soooo an answer to prayer! We are only a few months old in Calgary and already God's favour is showing up everywhere. We don't have any money for marketing and print ads; all our business has come through cold calls and now we may be able to hit hundreds of people with our business and how we value children.

SO yeah I am super happy!

Jesus,
Thank you for all your goodness and providence. We love you , rever you & follow you.
Extend your hand of blessing on all those who need it now and draw them close because you are loving and you are REAL.
In your great name. AMen

situational or chemical....the great BP debate

This is the Prodigal Son pic & how the Father welcomes back his son...just an inspiring picture I carry in my heart

The Puck system today went as follows:

2 out of 5 pucks for most of the afternoon as I was Mr. Grumpy-extraordinarie...
and now

3.5 out of 5 pucks as I have slowly pulled myself out of being depressed/grumpy
yaaayyy....but it shore was a battle pard'ner!

My new friend J brought this["is bp situational or chemical"] up at my new depression group meet up in Calgary. She has the unique distinction of being the first bp i have met in Calgary (besides my father in law)...Hi J if you are reading this.

Well I & J lean unanimously onto the 'chemically broken'theory that people with BP are mostly here because of a physiological disturbance in our bodies. When I have my yummy Lithium pills I feel goooooood!

But having said this, I have to say that working at a job you hate will most definately & situationally push all the BP buttons you have and send you over that dangerous cliff of despair.

This is part of the reason that I have decided to do what I know God has built me for as a f/t vocation: working with kids, or in my case toddlers (www.redleafdesigns.ca/toddler) and blending my very creative and pretty damn good musical side if I do say so myself :P

I have experienced much more "up" energy, peace and happiness with my new vocation and while it is still getiing up and going....it is very rewarding.

so the moral is: take your pills to help you chemically, but by all means do as much as you can to make sure you are happy situationally!

That is the best part of being a Christian. God lives inside you and goes whereever you go. So if you are having a bad bipolar day, he can rearrange your heart so that you can make the best of any situation. Believe me it works and it is cheap....it just costs putting your trust in something you can't see....
man am I preachy! anyhoo much love to all yous out there.

God who indwells and empowers us through your Son Jesus,
please bless all those whom we love and especially those
whom nobody loves

Amen

stress & now financial relief...yaaaaay

So suhweet!

Here is a recap:

earlier this week Monday -Tuesday I was at:
1 out of 5 pucks...
really stressed out & hurtin over no bookings for toddler tunes & $600 of marketing that seemed wasted.
Now?
Yesterday I got 28 bookings and I am now : 4 out of 5 pucks

Pretty darn happy and proud of myself tha teven in my stressed out mon-tues...I still was able to function and get work done insted of retreating to my "hospital" being the bed i would sleep my cares away with.

SO i hope y'all are encouraged out there.

God of our daily bread,
Thanks you for loving & sustaining us always.
You never fail.
amen

the music man is going full steam ahead!

That is my beautiful 3 year old daughter Avielle, marketing for me in the picture/website

oh so suh-weet! Bipolar Music for kids is gonna happen! Today 8000 households got a newsletter with my guitar & toddler tunes ads, but you can check em out here:

www.redleafdesigns.ca/guitars

(There is also a guitar soundbyte of me on the neighbourhood guitar site)

www.redleafdesigns.ca/toddler
And 3 preschools have called back to see if i will do mini-concerts there...Raffi your days are numbered....though u r still great in my eyes.

Today...I am a whopping 4.87 out of 5 pucks...soaring above the clouds baby!

God, thank you for giving your favour to me and being with me as I ramp up this kids music business. I know this is what gives me life and is what you have created me for.Thanks for trusting me with these creative gifts.
amen

Manic or Practical

4 out of 5 pucks again today.

Well last night I did have some trouble sleeping due to some anxiety about how I will find work & feed my family, but good old melatonin & prayer helped me get some shut eye.

As for my ongoing adventure, I am looking for work while starting my own neighbourhood guitar studio business. My dream is to be a children's entertainer/song leader type with my trusty seagull guitar, but I am also applying at tons of jobs just in case it doesn't work out. Check out my business websites here:
www.redleafdesigns.ca/toddler and
neighbourhoodguitar.blogspot.com yes the redleafdesigns.ca is my old going nowhere print design business. I just spent $600 on marketing ads in all the local papers & zines so let's see what happens...

So in some ways I may be slightly manic with pursuing so many different avenues at once, but I just know that you have to be practical and have a "plan b" in case your life doesn't work out the way you planned it. I try to give God as many options as possible and just shout as loud as I can "Please bless this_______ so that it works" and thas all I can do. Then its time for beer.

Father of every desire of our hearts, Help us to trust you with our dreams and meet us half way as we pursue the things you have put inside us. For your kingdom's sake,
Amen

sick, but not with too much bipolar

4.75 out of 5 pucks.

Hey everyone. I am living in Calgary now and I am still feeling pretty good and stable. So this will be a boring blog.
Oh and I am sick--think its a cold or just feeling run down from going mental and applying for tons of work everywhere. I am still jobless, but the guitar ads go in next week and I should be able to gather some newbies who want to learn guitar.

Oh and my long ago friend M disclosed to me that she also has bipolar. hurray. as great as it is to have cyber bp friends, it is also great to know people you went to church with are also bp. ok then we are waiting for chinese food to come cause we are all too sick to cook!

God please heal me and my sick family and bless all those who love you and especially those whom nobody loves.
In Jesus name. amen

Getting "high" on change

Ok so we move out tomorrow and I have been awake since 3:30am (ir is 6am now)

on a sliding scale I am on the precipice of 3 out of 5 pucks...still feeling good but a little stressed.

Getting "high" on change is something that is not exclusively for bipolars. While I do think I get high on new ideas, new environments, anything exciting to me, I think everyone in the world lives this way. Y'know the dreamers who are always "Man once I get that promotion life will be GREAT!" ANd it might. But I guess just the reality of crashing after you go up the
"bipolar mountain" and then crash ass-forward down the other side to the "low" stage is something we as a family are bracing for. My counsellor kept hitting me with the solid words of wisdom "you know that moving to Calgary won't solve all your problems" and sometimes that is just what we need to hear, so you can tackle the same old problems in new ways; knowing it is gonna take some time to make sure these problems go away for good. Man I need a whiskey. (I am enamoured with 15 year old single malt Scotch.....just a low tumbler and nothing that rocks the lithium dose that is keeping me ohhh so happy)

God of time and places,
Shelter us, protect and guide us as we make our trek to Alberta. Surround us with your unfailing love and help my girls as they
adjust to a new frontier. We trust in you alone Mighty God. And give us much wisdom as we lay down roots in our new home.
In Jesus Name

I understand your caution. . .

3.5 out of 5 pucks. Things are still smooth.

Tonight my wife & I talked about our impending move and my vocational prospects/responsibilities and crazy bp disorder. It is hard for her to believe in me sometimes and I can't blame her. I have had 3 jobs in the past 6 months and crashed so hard a month ago, that we are moving 12 hours east to be with her family as a "safety net" for her and the girls when I get into my zombie-like depression modes. I have been feeling really great for the past 3 weeks, but Mrs. B is just waiting for the other shoe to drop and enter my down cycle:undoing the last 3 "feel good" weeks I have had.

But I know I am recovering enough to have a stable job and try to beat my 2 year work record in 2006. Plus there are plenty of fine, outstanding bipolar folk who work f/t jobs for years( because I have read all of your blogs!) and certainly crash for a week but then get back to the daily grind.

I am focusing on my own guitar teaching business so far and here's a draft of my flyer:



Nice tag line eh? ( I have never played guitarhero, but hopefully this will attract the kids!)

I know I am a multi-talented person, and it is just getting over some confidence issues and rocking with the marketing that will get me places.

As for my lovely wife & two beautiful girls... I pray that God would help me provide for their daily needs and earn their trust again that "though the ship gets capsized, it can always be righted in due time...to keep above water"



In the strong name of Jesus I ask for your power and love to fill my wife & my girls & I so that we would believe that you are good and trust you for all that we have need of in this world. Father God make me strong in mind & spirit, bring healing to my chemically broken bipolar mind and bring the best job for me in Calgary. Just because you love me in Jesus name, amen

Vocational Options

We are at a screamingly Olympic like 4.9 out of 5 pucks today!

The past four days have been really good and I almost ran out of my double lithium, but ran down to the store and got my bottles filled right to the lid again....ahhhhhh bipolar stability is a good thing and we should all enjoy it while it lasts...right bipolar audience (insert applause here) :P

As we prepare for our move to Calgary (T-minus 10 days and counting!) I have been firing off resumes like crazy.
So far..I have had 6 job interview offers. They are:
1. Pathways day program, Langley
2. Mainstream day program, Richmond
3. Homeschool Teachers Aide
4. KLM music, guitar teacher Calgary
5. Theo BC -Employment Facillitator--,Coquitlam
6. RE: Social rehabilitation worker (Adult Care Worker), Calgary Drop in Centre

Pretty kewl eh? Even with some jobs being offered here in B.C., it is still kinda nice to know I am 'wanted' in an occupation and it really gives me alot of confidence going for other jobs. One resume was online for months and I still get job offers on it. Now I know a bipolar's track record for employment is usually widely varied. As people prone to manic & depressing episodes I know that working at the same job for more than nine months is a stretch for most of us. But I think it has alot to do with BP-ers being phenomenally gifted and talented people...who bore easily. At least that's how I feel.

SO I am pouring all my energy into being an amazing guitar teacher while I work towards being schooled and finishing my 2 remaining years to be an elementary school teacher. Why? Well, its because I really enjoy working with kids and know that teaching will give me some flexibility in letting me be creative with lessons etc...and my goal is to work more than 4 years in 1 profession. I'll tell you how it goes...

God of Strength & Joy,
Continue to shine on us with all grace & love & power so that we would reflect your glory and talents always
Amen

The Vocational Bipolar Chameleon

The Vocational Bipolar Chameleon comes in many forms. A rather docile, yet wildly creative creature, this 36 year old male has a history of being a life skills instructor (2 years), job developer (5 years) and has most recently adapted to the shape of a Canadian "Postie" or mail man (3 months). He bores easy and has yet to settle into a full satisfying career. While once a kids pastor and gigging guitarist & lead vocalist, he is toying around with melding his passion for teaching & music and being an (wait for it..) elementary music school teacher! 3 years of a Creative Writing major and History minor means 2 years of schooling to go...This added to his nightly guitar teaching position at a local high school may be the majik formula to give this bipolar animal a meaningful life to boot...he just needs to believe in the dream strong enough and amplify the courage building effects of some good counselling and meds....

I know statistically bipolars have a hard time keeping jobs, but there are a few who inspire the rest of us in the herd to make f/t jobs happen. ( herd from Lizzy Simon's -"Detour: Bipolar road trip in 4-D"...awesome book -www.lizziesimon.com

Now may the God who kingdomizes us with gifts, skills and talents to leave a legacy for the world, help us to own who he has made us to be and have the boldness to see our dreams become reality.Amen

4.5 out of 5 pucks....feelin purdy optimistic today...and a shout out to my bipolar Dad homeboy J at http://jsbipolarblog.blogspot.com/