Why up?

my future home of Calgary..sooo small yet prosperous with oil

Captain...we are still cruising full steam ahead at 4.8 out of 5 pucks.

So I ain't gonna lie....I still feel great! Now it has been over two weeks since I have had any major down days and do you ever wonder when the other shoe is gonna drop? Like what is helping me sustain this level-headed mood I am in. I know that I am learning that whenever there is change (i.e. moving to Calgary in 7 days) I can start to live off the "high" and excitment of something ohh sooo different from the soup d'jour as we say in Canadian. But this seems kinda like analyzing a kiss. Let's just enjoy the ride while we climb "sunshine mountain" shall we because I must say the view is spectacular!

God that shines in our hearts and gives us all joy and peace & provision. We give you the our hearts in undying devotion cause your mercy is never ending. You rock Lord!

Counsellor, You shall be missed!

Today we had our last session with BK, our counsellor extraodinaire !
He has helped facilitate some of the safest times in the rocky world of being in a Bp marriage. He has been able to call out and "champion" as my wife calls it the best in each of us and we are so sad to leave the healing walls of his therapeutic practice behind us in BC. He was a friend as well as a marriage and family therapist and we are praying to find a shrink & therapist in AB to match that hight level of soul & medical care in Calgary. It comes down as well to finding true support for us with Atara's family so near and hopefully some christian community that will embrace us like a family.

Father thank you for BK and all the people he helps Bp and otherwise. Thank you for his shepherding heart and please bring us another shepherd to help us in counselling and life with bp. You are ever wise & ever loving.
In Jesus name

Vocational Options

We are at a screamingly Olympic like 4.9 out of 5 pucks today!

The past four days have been really good and I almost ran out of my double lithium, but ran down to the store and got my bottles filled right to the lid again....ahhhhhh bipolar stability is a good thing and we should all enjoy it while it lasts...right bipolar audience (insert applause here) :P

As we prepare for our move to Calgary (T-minus 10 days and counting!) I have been firing off resumes like crazy.
So far..I have had 6 job interview offers. They are:
1. Pathways day program, Langley
2. Mainstream day program, Richmond
3. Homeschool Teachers Aide
4. KLM music, guitar teacher Calgary
5. Theo BC -Employment Facillitator--,Coquitlam
6. RE: Social rehabilitation worker (Adult Care Worker), Calgary Drop in Centre

Pretty kewl eh? Even with some jobs being offered here in B.C., it is still kinda nice to know I am 'wanted' in an occupation and it really gives me alot of confidence going for other jobs. One resume was online for months and I still get job offers on it. Now I know a bipolar's track record for employment is usually widely varied. As people prone to manic & depressing episodes I know that working at the same job for more than nine months is a stretch for most of us. But I think it has alot to do with BP-ers being phenomenally gifted and talented people...who bore easily. At least that's how I feel.

SO I am pouring all my energy into being an amazing guitar teacher while I work towards being schooled and finishing my 2 remaining years to be an elementary school teacher. Why? Well, its because I really enjoy working with kids and know that teaching will give me some flexibility in letting me be creative with lessons etc...and my goal is to work more than 4 years in 1 profession. I'll tell you how it goes...

God of Strength & Joy,
Continue to shine on us with all grace & love & power so that we would reflect your glory and talents always
Amen

Saw the Doc for the "last time"

Ok. We are cruising today at:

4 out of 5 pucks.

So far my mood has been stabilized. sez who? Says me, my shrink and my twin buddies; Lithium I and Lithium II. This double dose of L is really making me a happy dude these days. 2 weeks. not too shabby eh?

I saw Dr. T for the last time today. he looked at me like a hawk wanting to know if I was expereincing any more "sadness" etc, and when I said "no" we did some polite small talk and he shooed me out the door. He is excellent at 5 minute diagnosis, but he totally sucks ass when it comes to the therapy part. but no matter, cow-town is calling me in 13 days and I am looking forward to a new shrink.

As well, I laid down 75% of my songs on my rented 1600AW yamaha audio work station and my guitar does sound nicer with layered electonica effects. I will post the music of my soul once I have mixed and edited the original enough. Shall we say 'album release part-eee'?

so suh-weet!

God of sound music and sound mind,
Thank you for bringing us wellness and love because you are only too happy to do so.
You are forever praised and worshipped.amen

Your son,
R

Sleep, why doest thou leave me?

4.7 out of 5 Pucks....just inching my way towards a perfect score!

Just to clarify: the "puck scale of well being" is a nifty system I made up to gauge mood. As far as that goes, I am feeling "Tony the Tiger..Grrrrreat!"
My new double lithium dosage really is stabilizing my moods and like most bp bloggers, when things are going well, not much bloggin happens (yep....5 days of mac free bliss)

Now sleep on the other hand has been kinda irregular and crappy. The past 2 nights I have either been up till 5am (sleeping in till 10am) or like today...in bed at 11pm, awake at 4am....I just want a regular sleep cycle.

*yawn* well bloggin here seems to have helped as I am feelin even more groggy now. Tomorrow I get to go to the PNE...wheeeeeee! It is B.C.s state fair thingie. and how about those canucks and our 13 Olympic medals.....hurray we ended our winless streak of the first 7 days...ack.

God who grants rest & peace to those who love you, please saturate me with your peace so I can sleep as deeply as my baby daughters...(ok well the 5 month old was up a couple times, but usually its pretty good :P ) Thanks for the holy power assist.
Love me

Electroboy Review

Ok so after a week's worth of reading during my "owl" watch of 12-3am I have finished electroboy
And the verdict?

kinda lame to be honest....though it was a good eye opener to what real over the top mania can look like.

I guess I was just disappointed with the ending. It was like going for a drive when you first got your license and had no desitination....sure the neighbourhood is fun for the first 1/2 hour but where will we be when we run out of gas? For a guy who is billing himself out for over $200 hour to help people with bipolar the only thing I came away with was: make sure you take the right meds and have good support for you...

um...eeeyeeeaaaahhhh......that's what most of us bipolars are doing right now.

Where is the "Things that Help" chapter found in Bipolar. Blogged?...(an excellent read so far, but I will save my comments for another post when I am done)

ahhh well. Sometimes stories are left open-ended so we'll continue our search for the best bipolar books out there that actually help our condition....if you know of any to recommend I promise to take an extra lithium pill and give a more gracious review :P....

Today's Puck-a-meter says:

3 out of 5 pucks....not a bad day.

tip: BK my counsellor told me today that "exercise can release the same good endorphins that anti-depression meds give"
so i went for swim with the family and hey...i feel pretty good....middle of the road today with just a touch of deprression here and there.

Holy God:
We love you and need you to continue to bring real healing and stability to those in mental chaos. Be near to us and overpower us with your love. Amen

So THIS is what Apo_Setraline tastes like....

I am cruising at a 1.9 out of 5 pucks today.

Yeah its a new record low, but I am trying to be optimistic with the .9 added on to inspire my way back to greatness.
I have just been really grumpy and irritable all day today and I realize, lo and behold (pun intended!) that I have just did a boomerang into the bottom end of being bipolar. What set this off?
well I did get stupid news from the university that I need to wait 8 weeks for my course transfers to be recognized before I can officially register for classes....and because classes start in Sept (4 weeks) I have kinda missed the boat and am flailing out in open waters hoping for someone to throw me a dingy or sumthing...*sigh*
But that just means I gotta do distance ed and hope I have the focus to study and do homework without a throng of fellow schoolees to keep conversation with me.....kinda worried about that one.

So needless to say, to help spare being a bear to my loving wife and children I decided to finally start my Apo-Setraline (APS) which is "canadian" for Zoloft. I hear as well that APS can trigger mania in 4% of the BP population, so i sure as heck hope I am in the double digits of the percentile...

Other than that I am not sure if I mentioned that I am a Troubador of sorts. I write songs, play and teach guitar and have the voice combination of 90's rock stars "Darius** of Hootie & the Blowfish fame" and "The Crash Test Dummys dude". I have played a couple coffee shops recently after several years of being dormant and have finally decided to get a "greatest hits" compilation together. I have a couple dozen songs that I have written mostly for my betrothed and also for the church, and I always wanted to lay them down before I forget em.....sooooo

I rented some recording equipment and will be laying down some original tunes over the next week. So yeah...music is healing and I find singing to God really helps ( check out the Psalms in the bible for some inspiration) so between this and APS we may be able to start "Bipolar Idol" whaddaya say folks?

God of Hope,
Fill us, sustain us, be ever present, and ever near as we work with you to gain wholeness, mentally, spiritually & physically. You are cool refreshing water to us in dessert lands. Hear us and draw near. Amen

P.S. **Darius will be releasing a country album....and its actually pretty good

Bipolar Schooleee!

4 out of 5 pucks today.

It has been a really mellow day today. Still having a helluv a time getting to sleep ( I end up hitting the sheets at 3:30am....consistently for 2 weeks now) but ok I guess. Last night I went for a brisk walk at 1:30am, but it was too scary to go more than 1/2 block away. I ended up being a real "winner" walking up and down the same street under the safety of a bright street light...practicing my green belt kung-fu moves that I learned 25 years ago so that was kewl. (I was also trying to incorporate the new batman fighting moves from "The Dark Knight" movie I saw in IMAX a couple weeks ago..yep I'm a nerd, but a tough nerd)

In other news I am going back to school dawg-ies! I have finally hit the wall of just doing odd non-career making jobs at Canada Post, in job marketing and healthcare and I have always either wanted to be a kid's pastor or teacher so I am gonna do the latter
.
I have a 3rd year Creative Writing degree that is unfinished and I am just gonna finish it and get my elementary school pdp and in 2 years I will be livin the dream mates!

The Creative Writing part of me has just always been there and maybe that's the artsy part of being bipolar. When I was having my first crazy manic episode I ended up writing a poem that was short listed for a Vancouver wide poetry contest...pretty impressive as I hit the top of over five hundred entries. I'll post the poem here sometime when I find it.

So yeah I am excited about that. I should have become a teacher a long time ago, but ya gotta live in the present and not in regret. I can change the now and in a couple years have a decent income doing what I love and having enough structure & flexibility to create a good job for the young uns.

King of the Ages,
Thank you for giving us talents and skills, dreams and desires to pursue so that we can kingdomize the world with your gifts.
You are forever praised.
amen

BiPolar Book CLub

Oprah...move on over!

The Bipolar Canuck is enjoying his High day and will now be adding the role of Literary Reviewer to his mega talents.
I'd like to recommend two books to help entertain and empower you from fellow bipolar authors: BiPolar Guy & Andy Behrman.

They are: BiPolar. Blogged & Electroboy by the above mentioned.

So far I have only skipped right to "Things That Help" & the "Meds" chapters in BiPolar. Blogged, but have found this book refreshing and strangely empowering.

I will post further thoughts as I continue my exploratory readings.

4.75 out of 5 pucks today...a new olympic record! I feeel goooooood!

God of Love, Joy & Peace. Thank you for being present with me all day. I love you and need you.amen

Daytime Warrior

Hello bipolar friendly audience!

Today I have won a great victory: for the first time in 3 weeks I have been awake all day from 10:30am - 11pm.
Pretty amazing, as I usually wake up once at 10am to use the lu and then I end up back in bed till 2pm.

What's my secret you ask? Well, it comes down to my new double lithium dosage which is kicking the pants off of my bad down days for the past several weeks and the fact that today, I decided to cpap it in the living room in the midst of my loving families escapades (yes I have sleep apnea as well as bipolar and did I mention I am a type 2 diabetic with high blood pressure? ack) so i just snoozed/rested for 1/2 hr and then was up walking and laughing with my toddler & apple sauce making wife (my lovely Croatian wife-ling is canning up some home made apple sauce from the neighbor's tree)

yeah....what can i say...the zoloft presciption is in now, but I haven't started on it yet cause it seems this upped dosage of L is doing the trick.

Mentally as well I notice that I am a lot more "stable" and up...precurser to hypomania....we'll see.

Heck I even felt good enough to call my shrink BK and hopefully will get a visit in soon for good ol talk therapy.

ok hope y'all are doing well out there.

4 out of 5 pucks...boyezzzzz

Father God,
Thanks for helping me adjust to my new double L dosage and for the love you share with me and my family....my lovely wife & two precious girls.
You are forever praised.
amen

Up the River, Down the River...

Well I am gettin used to 600 mg of lithium and have had a real up & down day.

Slept in till 2pm today....14 hours. Hurray for me

Then when I awoke I was "supercharged" so I decided to clean up and make the beds and make a hearty american style meatloaf for dinner with potato mash. I am also looking over job ads and trying to figure out school for the fall & the future. I am not confident that I will have my Canada Post job still (though I did fax them my new dr's note that says i am 'unfit to work'...it has to be frustrating for my employers as I have been off work for over a month now. ack)

I am also waiting for my Zoloft prescription to come through....they can't read my shrink's handwriting so they are waiting to confirm the dosage.

Nothing much else to report. Will try to think of something funnier to say next post. cherrio.

God,
help us to be healed and whole.
For Jesus sake
Amen

Living in a Mood Altering Reality

As I adjust to my new meds, I have been wondering about how much of our moods are affected by either our mental illness (biploar) or the mood altering drugs we take to normalize our emotions. (I know this is entering Plato's realm of "what ifs", but read a little further as me thinks this doth be interesting stuff!)

Let's take recieving a compliement, lets try something generic like: "Hey I really like your new haircut, you look like handsome young buck!"

Now will I only be mildly happy because I am on lithium which is a mood stabilizer or would I be through the roof, giggling like a school girl because I am manic.

I guess after "treatment", your emotions will be dulled because of the meds, but that is better than be out of our mind or hospitalized.

I guess I just hope that my geniune happiness or sadness will shine through all of life's situations.

Holy God, who has made us to reflect your image, continue to be present with us bringing more light, life and healing to our minds & who we are, because you have made us for yourselves and never cease to love us. Amen

Red rover Red rover ...we call Zoloft over....

Welcome back to Med Upgrade!

Today our Bipolar Canuck is registering a woozie 2.5 out of 5 pucks. He is just on the threshold.
His shrink also doubled up his lithium to 600mg and had introduced a new drug to the party mix: Zoloft 50mg

It should be noted that B-Canuck has been on his daily dose of 300mg lithium on and off for the past 7 years since he escaped his hospitalization. How does he feel with the all new "upgrades" to his pharmaceutical wares. Lets get some reactions:

"Er...other than the fact my beer consumption and sex drive will be eliminated from my life, I guess I feel ok about it. I am trying to break a 4 week stretch of cycling down moodwise. Sure I'm a little terrified: doesn't it take 2-3 med changes before you find a mental health cocktail that works for you? *sigh* I guess I've got 14 days for this ride, so i'll tell you how it does....pray for me"

Sounds good b-canuck. We are rooting for you...and ahem:

May the God of peace empower and stabilize these new drugs you are taking so that your mind and moods will be crystal clear and so you can be the fun lovin gy we have missed for the past month. And don't worry about your job. Jehovah Gyra is your provider dude. amen

12 hour night life

Ok I am in rougher shape than I thought.

Let's scale ourselves at 2 out of 5 pucks.

I am sleeping 12 hour days and when I attempt to wake up after 8-9 hours of sleep I just feel exhausted.
I am going to need a med change after being on 300mg of lithium on and off since my hospitilization in 2001.

ack.

I am phoning my psychiatrist today to get an appointment in. Kinda scared about the side effects, but something must be done.
Important things like getting an income, keeping my family together, getting thru lie with any normalcy is what is at stake.

I am reaching for the phone now.

Dear God,

Heeeeeellllpppp!
I trust and love you. Bring wholeness to my mind, body, soul & spirit.
For Jesus Sake
R