Energy drain...is it always bipolar

2.4 out of 5 pucks

So today is one of my low energy days. I don't feel like killing myself, nor do I feel sad. But getting out of bed to do something is another story. I am starting to wonder if this is more than bipolar. Maybe I need some good vitamins, change of diet, exercise....

Sure I hate my p/t day job as a printer salesman, but did that psychologically keep me from embracing the day?

Ok I gotta get some more sleep and

I gotta find a way to beat this BP thang!

Jesus, empower me with hope and help me emotionally to live the life.

Sleep fighting Bipolar with my nocturnal "katana"

2.5 to 3.5 out of 5 pucks...lotsa fluctuation today!

I know alot of people sleep to avoid life when they are depressed, but for me its a weapon.

I like to think of sleeping as a finely honed two edged katana sword that I use to fight bipolar as a "sleeping" samurai.
When I awake feeling down or out of sorts I know (and my wife knows) that I just need to "sleep it off" and I will get over my bipolar 'hangover' faster if I feel completely refreshed and non groggy etc...due to more sleep.

Sometimes that means sleeping in till 10am..getting some breakfast and then going back to sleep untl 4pm.

Then like the phoenix rising from the ashes, I arise again, stronger, better and in a completely different and more positive mood.

Today was rough in the morning, and I wonder if it was attributed to me NOT wanting to do my p/t sales job today (which i do alongside toddler tunes) or just my chemicals in my body being fuk'd and making me sad...

and the questions continue...

God, thank you for giving me sleep as a weapon to fight off my bipolar mood swings. Please equip others with their own weapons to fight BP. Arm them especially with your unbreakable, unfailing love.
In Jesus Name, Amen

The Grumpy Bipolar

2.5 out of 5 pucks.....riding the fence today...boyeezzzzz


"All of life is moving from resentment to gratitude"
-a quote from my friend quoting a modern christian monk

For the past couple days I have become aware, thanks to my loving wife of how grumpy and quick to anger I have become because of this illness. And she is right.

"You always seem disappointed and never happy....even when you are doing something you like"

I want to find out where this anger is coming from. Now don't get me wrong: I don't freak out and smash things around the house or spank my kids or anything...I am just kinda grumpy and pouty and "need to have my way"

Being thankful instead of being mad really does put another spin on things. That is why God says in his word to " be thankful in all things"....and it takes supernatural power to do that when you'd rather just be pissy.

It also must fire off some chemicals in your brain making you feel ...well....good because being generally thankful and grateful brings a sense of relief for having a little bit of satisfaction for whatever circumstance you find yourself in and with whatever friendships you have been blessed with.

I have a long upward climb to get to the Mountain of Thankfullness, but I am going to try...with lotsa prayer and probrably my good pal Lithium..

Jesus, make us thankful for all we have and all we do. There are many that do not have the privledges we live in today and we give you thanks.
amen

situational or chemical....the great BP debate

This is the Prodigal Son pic & how the Father welcomes back his son...just an inspiring picture I carry in my heart

The Puck system today went as follows:

2 out of 5 pucks for most of the afternoon as I was Mr. Grumpy-extraordinarie...
and now

3.5 out of 5 pucks as I have slowly pulled myself out of being depressed/grumpy
yaaayyy....but it shore was a battle pard'ner!

My new friend J brought this["is bp situational or chemical"] up at my new depression group meet up in Calgary. She has the unique distinction of being the first bp i have met in Calgary (besides my father in law)...Hi J if you are reading this.

Well I & J lean unanimously onto the 'chemically broken'theory that people with BP are mostly here because of a physiological disturbance in our bodies. When I have my yummy Lithium pills I feel goooooood!

But having said this, I have to say that working at a job you hate will most definately & situationally push all the BP buttons you have and send you over that dangerous cliff of despair.

This is part of the reason that I have decided to do what I know God has built me for as a f/t vocation: working with kids, or in my case toddlers (www.redleafdesigns.ca/toddler) and blending my very creative and pretty damn good musical side if I do say so myself :P

I have experienced much more "up" energy, peace and happiness with my new vocation and while it is still getiing up and going....it is very rewarding.

so the moral is: take your pills to help you chemically, but by all means do as much as you can to make sure you are happy situationally!

That is the best part of being a Christian. God lives inside you and goes whereever you go. So if you are having a bad bipolar day, he can rearrange your heart so that you can make the best of any situation. Believe me it works and it is cheap....it just costs putting your trust in something you can't see....
man am I preachy! anyhoo much love to all yous out there.

God who indwells and empowers us through your Son Jesus,
please bless all those whom we love and especially those
whom nobody loves

Amen

Building a Bipolar community

3 out of 5 pucks

So I just joined a depression meetup group in Calgary. Some of who may be reading this blog right now (if you are hi and welcome) and I have been thinking alot about how this facilitates healing. In the bible (yep i am a christian and it really really helps me walk through this life!) It says in 1st John1:7
"If we walk in the Light as He is in the light we have fellowship with one another"
and to me that talks about being transparent and real with each other. It is crazy how God has developed us for relational intimacy and if we bear our hearts to each other, accept and encourage each other we seem to get a whole lot of healing.
Speaking of which, i know my wife & I miss BK our counsellor extraordinaire tons. He was one who 'walked in the light' with us even when we couldn't see the light!
In short I am looking forward to building community hearing each other's stories and learning how to travel this bipolar journey together. Hopefully" misery enjoys company" gets turned upside down and we can instead have the motto that "everyone enjoys a good party!"

Be well and let me pray for you

May the Triune God bring light and life and transparency to the key relationships you have nurtured and trust so that you may grow more whole in your journey to mental wellness. Let the power of God's loving community be real and effectiver in your life.
In the strong name of Jesus

stress & now financial relief...yaaaaay

So suhweet!

Here is a recap:

earlier this week Monday -Tuesday I was at:
1 out of 5 pucks...
really stressed out & hurtin over no bookings for toddler tunes & $600 of marketing that seemed wasted.
Now?
Yesterday I got 28 bookings and I am now : 4 out of 5 pucks

Pretty darn happy and proud of myself tha teven in my stressed out mon-tues...I still was able to function and get work done insted of retreating to my "hospital" being the bed i would sleep my cares away with.

SO i hope y'all are encouraged out there.

God of our daily bread,
Thanks you for loving & sustaining us always.
You never fail.
amen

the music man is going full steam ahead!

That is my beautiful 3 year old daughter Avielle, marketing for me in the picture/website

oh so suh-weet! Bipolar Music for kids is gonna happen! Today 8000 households got a newsletter with my guitar & toddler tunes ads, but you can check em out here:

www.redleafdesigns.ca/guitars

(There is also a guitar soundbyte of me on the neighbourhood guitar site)

www.redleafdesigns.ca/toddler
And 3 preschools have called back to see if i will do mini-concerts there...Raffi your days are numbered....though u r still great in my eyes.

Today...I am a whopping 4.87 out of 5 pucks...soaring above the clouds baby!

God, thank you for giving your favour to me and being with me as I ramp up this kids music business. I know this is what gives me life and is what you have created me for.Thanks for trusting me with these creative gifts.
amen