Flatlined- mr WHO?

If you are seeing a post then that means one of two things: 1) can't share this on Facebook as it divulges too much brokenness that will either shame me or wreck my friendships 2) these thoughts are too deep for facebook and I am in some sort of crisis. I am a little fuked right now when it comes to work. mr Rz is doing FUK ALL as I am bringingin like $645 a month. FUK me. And to add to this I feel just too depressed to play...I don't have a desire right now. Think I am done. As well, I just applied or my old position in Calgary, finding jobs for handicapped people. I was trying to FUK up the interview cause I was like. FUK ME..I DON'T THE FUK WANT TO DO THIS JOB WITH FUCKING HANDICAPPED, MENTALLY FUKED PEOPLE AGAIN. Ok well FUK this I will write more later

Fresh soil for little saplings

Today as I played songs and encouraged the little ones 2-3 year olds in music, it was probably one of the funniest times ever. Jumping laughing...one Chinese boy Jeffery who did not speak English at all a few weeks ago was laughing and fully participating in the music and comprehended a lot of what was being said, responding with so many smiles. As I tried to name each child and bless them with encouragement, the Lord gave me a picture " little potted saplings, so fragile and young and small. As I encouraged and shared God's love and really spoke life and affirmation and encourage,ent God's big hand added tons of rich fresh soil and patted it down so they would grow healthy, big and strong" What a beautiful picture. Thank you Lord!

Changing my vocational reality

Felt a lot of shame today whist and after I gigged at a one year old's birthday party. Was so jealous of everyone there: young hip families with houses and brand new cars. Then I started feeling jealous of friends at the church who have more than just our 'scraping by' existence. I think this is healthy shame. Ashamed that I cannot take care of my family well. Ashamed that my wife has to sacrifice and work while homeschooling our kids. Ashamed that I have put far too much effort into a Children's music business that is going nowhere. God's intentions for this was to be a ministry, not something I need to do to feed my family. Mr R is something I do too minister and share God's love and be more open with using kids worship songs and God songs. My reality is I am only bringing in $465/month that at the height of my success I was making a little over $1000. The reality is "good idea" bookings are not good enough. My brainiac homeschooling concert has but 4 kids and siblings.coming. And I am in the red with the rental facility. I LOSE money tomorrow as part of my "job". The reality is that I need to apply for any job now cause we do not knowe how we are going to make ends meet. The reality is ...I have 3 kids and a wife to look after. And I am so ashamed I didn't get a real degree and have a real job to look after family.

Trusting He will take care of it all

Not sure where to start.
Really trying to manage my stress as I am so frustrated with finding work.

I will give you my website so you can see who I am but lets keep a secret ok...you will have to piece together the words as I do not want "google" finding my site:

www.      mr      ra   y      z   .com

See. I think I have a good thing going, but there has been tons of epic fails:

• Xmas campaigne: rawk while you shop...for sure i thought parents would be there enjoying a concert while the other spouse went shopping. kids looked after and having fun. NOTHING
• Homeschooling concert.This is next week and NOBODY has bought any tickets(ok 2kids)
  i do not understand this. i thought for sure parents would come.

I also realize thatthe only reason I made money on the last concerts is because they are themed dress up concerts (valentines, St.Pattys)...music was just a side bonus

Well ....looks like Mr Rz is gonna be dead soon...at least during the week...an occasional weekend booking....gotta keep looking and trusting my God for a job to take care of my family.

A real job

Stress WTF no calls?

Think stress is trying to knock me out.

Tons of resumes sent out. NOT ONE CALL. Very very unusual for me. fuck fuck.

*sigh*

In totally unrelated news: thrivewithbipolar.com Rawls!

Ok that's about all I got.

Birthday praise to my 40th feb 26 2012

Hey there! Hope you are having a wonderful day! You desirve it! Your such a great man of God! I thank you for teaching me tools that will take me far in this lifetime. Your important and valued! May God bless you and walk with you as you follow your dreams!

Young man I raised up in worship :Joshua W

     He said, "That word-faith stuff is about manipulating God, this is different. Read it again."

     So we hung up and I opened my N.T. to Mk.11:24. Jesus says, 
"Ask for whatever you will and believe you already have it and it will be yours."

     Although I have preached through the N.T. countless times I never preached on this verse or its parallels in Matthew and John. I didn't because I wasn't sure what to make of them or, more likely, I simply didn't believe them. My next thought was where do I get off choosing from Jesus' words what to believe and not to believe?

     At this point, I said to myself, OK, I have to think this through. Is Jesus really telling us to play make believe or live in denial, pretending we have something we don't? Then I saw it. 

     Wait a minute....

     I already believe what this verse is really saying. I have been preaching and writing for decades that we received all we will ever need for our life in and through the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus 2000 years ago. Along with Peter, I have been saying that all we need is provided for us already because of our participation in Christ (II Peter 1:34). I had simply never connected the "everything we need" with my own need for healing. This is ironic and embarrassing since I wrote the best selling book on Christian healing 20 years ago. Over those 20 years, I have prayed for many thousands and seen hundreds healed, and sometimes dramatically so. But if they were not healed, I never told them to believe regardless. I said instead, let's pray some more.

     At any rate, on the evening of Nov. 16, 2011, I said to God, this is the last time I ask for my own healing. I am now going to believe I have it and say thank you. That ends my responsibility in the matter. The "and it will be yours" is your responsibility. I look forward to seeing what you do.

     I thought, as with my friend, it would take time for anything to happen and was prepared to take a stand regardless. But I awoke the next day - and it was as if someone switched on a light. Depression lifted and I had more energy. There have been ups and downs during the past 40 days, but the trend is decidedly up. I have not felt this well in 10 years.

   COULD THE SOLVING OF SOME OF OUR PROBLEMS BE AS EASY AS ASKING FOR HELP, BELIEVING WE HAVE IT, AND SAYING THANK YOU?

     It seems too simple, too childlike. And of course, it is... 
"unless you change and become like little children..." Matthew 18:3.

From Ken Blue 's blog. http://kenbluegoodnewsgracenotes.blogspot.com

Waiting

So I know that sometimes God just wants us to partner with him to work towards his loving purposes in our life.

The plan can be as vague as " work to provide for your family"

Rarely do I think that means he tells us EXACTLY what to do, but he gives you a bunch of options and clues to what you are good at.

So I am trying not to freak out when I have NO GOOD OPTIONS for work right now.

The kids music business is sucking ass now.

And nothing on the job market looks good or would fit into something p/t that I would like to do. So wait on God is my best approach.

Oh and I was in a low depression for about 13 days before today. Stress perhaps?

Refocus on Jesus

Getting outta this tailspin

Been getting a couple strong bouts of depression today. The nuggets punch came when my hopes were crushed because of an arts grant I would not get this year ( my fault spent 2 days filling it out all wrong.fuk. And it is due in 2 days and I do not have any more time to fix this)

I have been stressed out over not getting any responses or emails back re:work and had put all of my he into this Mr Rayz $15000 grant. Ain't gonna work now. Have to re focus and put my heart and trust and faith into Gods hands.

No other way out of this but to put my complete confidence and trust in my God who loves me and will alway always provide for me and my families needs.

I choose to believe you are good, know already what I needed and I thank you Father God.
In Jesus name, amen R

Career suicide or slow period

So let's just set the facts out:

-A-tree preschool dropped me b/c of a bad Bp temper incident

- PreKgarden dropped me cause they wanted to have more exposure on our tv clip even though none was promised

-sunridge mall things I am trying to scam them for $5 child ticket

Yah I am pretty fuked as a kids musician. Fuk fuk.

But I am feeling depressed and don't even want to play to,or row...think this may be it. Fuk it

My music career is almost dead

So I try and try but now I need to look for a f/t job to look after my family.

Everyone says"you are so great at doing music for kids"

But no one comes to my concerts.

No one.

God ,Nina & worship

During worship at church today God spoke and gave me a couple pics as I w thinking/missing Nina:

1) my family & I were gathering around the throne worshipping Jesus from here and Nina joined us as she was worshipping him in our circle in heaven. We get to participate in what Nina is doing now, but only in part.

2)Nina touching Jesus'S Face. She has an intimacy with Jesus we get once we get to glory too.

Really cool. I really miss her and love her and am working on a song called "One Day"

One day I will see her in heaven....

One day Jesus will embrace us both

:D

Nina Memory & Storybook

Thats me and my Neener.

One day I will see her again

I am going to start to work on a memory book for her.

I so remember Nina dancing around during a rockin out worship time at Godrock on a Friday night and I am sure we were lie 19 or 20.

Sooo good that she is home with God and it is so precious that God reminds me of her often with such beautiful memories of her. Than you Jesus =D grateful and on this rememberance day I remember the sacrifices made by peace keepers and my beautiful twin sister Nina.

More reconcilliation Dleduc

Seems like God is bringing even more resolution from my past

Forgot to mentiOn that the same morning as I brace myself to make amends with Eric,
I find Dleduc on FB.

I treated him like shit. Former roommate and helluva nice guy.

Consigned for his first MC and maxEd it out. I owe him close to $1500 if not more.

That was over 10 years ago

My tally includes:

DHare : $2000+ for car/rent loans since 97'
Rbirkenbach/ CIN 95: $3500 for school on the special needs child certificate I always use!
Since 95

God please help me to take responsibility of what I clearly owe to people and make amends
Amen

whoops (nov 11 update: i owe Dleduc $3-4000)

Bromance with Eric is over

if you know your brother has something against you, come and show him his fault
And then if you win your brother over, go present your gift to the altar
Mathew 5:23
If your brother wrongs you, go and show him his fault, between you and him privately. If he listens to you, you have won back your brother.
Mathew 18

Well after 6 months of not talking I initiated a talk so we could resolve things
We agreed to disagree. His approach to blasting people with letters is unchanged and he was unrepentant. To his credit he did say that he needs letters to communicate his thoughts and he could've tried a bit more gentleness. He also did say he was in a wounded place and kind of unsettled after a shit exp in winnipeg somhe was grumpy --the end I think 3 things:

1) I was more into him as a friend than he was to me: I blubbered that I loved him, was hurt bad by him and missed his friendship. He smiled but did try hard to reciprocate..

2) he's a loose cannon. All of his prophetic rebukes don't have a community/church/friends to help back up his "opinions/words from God". If he feels God is convicting him to speak out harshly against sOmeone, he better have the fucking backing of someone else who follows the same God and agrees with him, or else it's here is the fruit.

Tried to reason with him that he was doing more harm than good in tearing down his brothers instead of edifying them.

And his " I like to send a letter, let them process my rebuke and wait for them to respond is kinda fucked up. Why would people respond to you if you yell at them?

I now am a bit skeptical of his "judgements" and "prophesies"

Like he burns down a house and after people get out he tells them why he burned the house down in the first place. Much better to give the people an explanation why he has to set the house on fire and lovingly guide them out.*sigh* whatever

3) seems like he has never been wrong in his life, and enjoys being right.

Anyways it was a man- break up and I feel a lot of peace that I said my peace and tried hard to listen to him. But now have regulated him to the 2nd- maybe 3rd tier of friendships that I don't really want to pursue at all.

Ah well. Better to know and grow through this now the later.

He's heading down a dangerous path as a lone wolf by himself and now I question the validity of why he always has conflict at churches and has had so many lost ministry experiences

Ah well. Better to leave this alone . God'll work things out with him
God bless Eric.

Lots of reconciling & business learning

Ok at the end of the day I get weirded out by people bartering with me for services.
3 coffee shops,1 bookstore, city of Calgary & libraries and YMCA & Discovery House Shelter and nobody haggles prices with me but this huge conglomerate says:

We spend $5000 on advertising so we need you to do 10 shows for free to pay for advertising your kids shows. Meanwhile everyone else is like " cool do my coffee shop lets split advertising. Bye

As well I am learning about spiritual warfare and not slandering anybody.
James 3: True wisdom

Gonna read it now.

Stay blessed!

My God's words to me

@ NCV I just really felt like worshipping in a way that my soul was yelling out how much I loved father God and how much I needed him.

As I pushed back all of my anxieties and fears
He scooped me up I his arms & loved me

1)don't be add afraid to worship me cause you have to look after your kids( and are distracted)
That's so silly and ridiculous

Pic: yellow brick road leading to Gods heart for my kids to follow as I lay my heart open to Jesus

2) Jesus radio frequency:Tune in to my voice to drown out all the raging loud voices of your fears anxieties and enemy's lies

3)pic: my guitar in God's room at the altar.
"need to worship and not just work-minister with my guitar

1st store/ "Birthday guy"

1st children's store had another 3 child turn out.
Well 2 new kids from FB and 1 from church.

6 CDS are in store. Sold to date: 0/6

Zero.

On the bright side,I am really relieved and content to be the
"birthday guy"
There are a lot of children musicians that end up just being p/t performers
Or entertainers that no one knows shit about.
I googled tons.
Not everyone gets to be like B&L on Treehouse.

I get it.
S
Now I can lower my expectations of myself and stop stressing over trying to be the next fucking wiggles. Fuck.

So glad I did not book a huge venue for a Saturday show: like fuckin Trico, I would be throwing away another:$800

Feel a lot of peace about finding another job. Hope I get called back for this $20hr family worker job.

Seacrest out!

No Way Out

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We will never have the money or resources to leave Calgary.

Brutal

Ok...backing tracks=ass?

ok so there is a popular kids music duo called B&L.

I can see how they have music videos on treehouse now and yes of course i have been jealous of their fame.

but the whole time i kept preening to myself " yeah but those bitches don't even play their own instruments! FAKERS!"

"Anyone can jump and lip sync to backing tracks..."

well NOW who's the Dumbass? ( everyone point at me...yep...get your neighbours in on this too...)

((SIGH...yeah those 3 gay looking fucks playin keys ( synth drums, bass and acoustic) are their band.

doh!! fuckin d'oh!
They have a fucking band with them..some guitar guy and a bass guy..and they just worry about lead vocals...

those sassy bitches are fuckin BRILLIANT!

My backing tracks suck ASS when I am leading a song with them. ..fuck..me

I have been mocking B&L b/c those bitches can't be spontaneous when they have a backing track...but fuck me! They can have a real organic show with a band to follow them around...

*sigh*

i just can't win