situational or chemical....the great BP debate

This is the Prodigal Son pic & how the Father welcomes back his son...just an inspiring picture I carry in my heart

The Puck system today went as follows:

2 out of 5 pucks for most of the afternoon as I was Mr. Grumpy-extraordinarie...
and now

3.5 out of 5 pucks as I have slowly pulled myself out of being depressed/grumpy
yaaayyy....but it shore was a battle pard'ner!

My new friend J brought this["is bp situational or chemical"] up at my new depression group meet up in Calgary. She has the unique distinction of being the first bp i have met in Calgary (besides my father in law)...Hi J if you are reading this.

Well I & J lean unanimously onto the 'chemically broken'theory that people with BP are mostly here because of a physiological disturbance in our bodies. When I have my yummy Lithium pills I feel goooooood!

But having said this, I have to say that working at a job you hate will most definately & situationally push all the BP buttons you have and send you over that dangerous cliff of despair.

This is part of the reason that I have decided to do what I know God has built me for as a f/t vocation: working with kids, or in my case toddlers (www.redleafdesigns.ca/toddler) and blending my very creative and pretty damn good musical side if I do say so myself :P

I have experienced much more "up" energy, peace and happiness with my new vocation and while it is still getiing up and going....it is very rewarding.

so the moral is: take your pills to help you chemically, but by all means do as much as you can to make sure you are happy situationally!

That is the best part of being a Christian. God lives inside you and goes whereever you go. So if you are having a bad bipolar day, he can rearrange your heart so that you can make the best of any situation. Believe me it works and it is cheap....it just costs putting your trust in something you can't see....
man am I preachy! anyhoo much love to all yous out there.

God who indwells and empowers us through your Son Jesus,
please bless all those whom we love and especially those
whom nobody loves

Amen

Building a Bipolar community

3 out of 5 pucks

So I just joined a depression meetup group in Calgary. Some of who may be reading this blog right now (if you are hi and welcome) and I have been thinking alot about how this facilitates healing. In the bible (yep i am a christian and it really really helps me walk through this life!) It says in 1st John1:7
"If we walk in the Light as He is in the light we have fellowship with one another"
and to me that talks about being transparent and real with each other. It is crazy how God has developed us for relational intimacy and if we bear our hearts to each other, accept and encourage each other we seem to get a whole lot of healing.
Speaking of which, i know my wife & I miss BK our counsellor extraordinaire tons. He was one who 'walked in the light' with us even when we couldn't see the light!
In short I am looking forward to building community hearing each other's stories and learning how to travel this bipolar journey together. Hopefully" misery enjoys company" gets turned upside down and we can instead have the motto that "everyone enjoys a good party!"

Be well and let me pray for you

May the Triune God bring light and life and transparency to the key relationships you have nurtured and trust so that you may grow more whole in your journey to mental wellness. Let the power of God's loving community be real and effectiver in your life.
In the strong name of Jesus

stress & now financial relief...yaaaaay

So suhweet!

Here is a recap:

earlier this week Monday -Tuesday I was at:
1 out of 5 pucks...
really stressed out & hurtin over no bookings for toddler tunes & $600 of marketing that seemed wasted.
Now?
Yesterday I got 28 bookings and I am now : 4 out of 5 pucks

Pretty darn happy and proud of myself tha teven in my stressed out mon-tues...I still was able to function and get work done insted of retreating to my "hospital" being the bed i would sleep my cares away with.

SO i hope y'all are encouraged out there.

God of our daily bread,
Thanks you for loving & sustaining us always.
You never fail.
amen

the music man is going full steam ahead!

That is my beautiful 3 year old daughter Avielle, marketing for me in the picture/website

oh so suh-weet! Bipolar Music for kids is gonna happen! Today 8000 households got a newsletter with my guitar & toddler tunes ads, but you can check em out here:

www.redleafdesigns.ca/guitars

(There is also a guitar soundbyte of me on the neighbourhood guitar site)

www.redleafdesigns.ca/toddler
And 3 preschools have called back to see if i will do mini-concerts there...Raffi your days are numbered....though u r still great in my eyes.

Today...I am a whopping 4.87 out of 5 pucks...soaring above the clouds baby!

God, thank you for giving your favour to me and being with me as I ramp up this kids music business. I know this is what gives me life and is what you have created me for.Thanks for trusting me with these creative gifts.
amen

ahh the cracked egg effect

3 out of 5 pucks today.

Had a bit of a bipolar moment today and in the course of events found that Mrs. V didn't want to upset me (i.e. send me off the bipolar edge) so she held back on how she was really feeling about our situation. "The cracked egg effect" is the walking on egg shells around a bp person so as not to "set off" the bipolar mousetrap if you will. Do I understand why people do this? Yes. But is it healthy to all parties involve ...well that is an earth shattering no. I guess love does strange things and i know Mrs. V does love me, but I guess you "always hurt the ones you love". Geez I should try to get on Dr. Phil with some of this stuff. Regardless, as long as we are making the omelet together it'll taste great, right?

Jesus, you know all about the broken omelet of humanity and yet you love us no matter how runny or scrambly we are. Thank you for grace in times like these and saturate all BP's and their significant others in your forgiving and growing love.
Amen

Manic or Practical

4 out of 5 pucks again today.

Well last night I did have some trouble sleeping due to some anxiety about how I will find work & feed my family, but good old melatonin & prayer helped me get some shut eye.

As for my ongoing adventure, I am looking for work while starting my own neighbourhood guitar studio business. My dream is to be a children's entertainer/song leader type with my trusty seagull guitar, but I am also applying at tons of jobs just in case it doesn't work out. Check out my business websites here:
www.redleafdesigns.ca/toddler and
neighbourhoodguitar.blogspot.com yes the redleafdesigns.ca is my old going nowhere print design business. I just spent $600 on marketing ads in all the local papers & zines so let's see what happens...

So in some ways I may be slightly manic with pursuing so many different avenues at once, but I just know that you have to be practical and have a "plan b" in case your life doesn't work out the way you planned it. I try to give God as many options as possible and just shout as loud as I can "Please bless this_______ so that it works" and thas all I can do. Then its time for beer.

Father of every desire of our hearts, Help us to trust you with our dreams and meet us half way as we pursue the things you have put inside us. For your kingdom's sake,
Amen

sick, but not with too much bipolar

4.75 out of 5 pucks.

Hey everyone. I am living in Calgary now and I am still feeling pretty good and stable. So this will be a boring blog.
Oh and I am sick--think its a cold or just feeling run down from going mental and applying for tons of work everywhere. I am still jobless, but the guitar ads go in next week and I should be able to gather some newbies who want to learn guitar.

Oh and my long ago friend M disclosed to me that she also has bipolar. hurray. as great as it is to have cyber bp friends, it is also great to know people you went to church with are also bp. ok then we are waiting for chinese food to come cause we are all too sick to cook!

God please heal me and my sick family and bless all those who love you and especially those whom nobody loves.
In Jesus name. amen

Still smiling in Calgary

4 out of 5 pucks

Yes I managed to move 16 hours (probrably 10 hours without kids in the car) and my mood is still great.
I know! That is frackin' amazing as they say in Battlestar Galactica talk.

We are less than thrilled with this crappy townhouse my wife's family found for us, but happy to be close to them nonetheless. I thought I was going to go bipolar hell for sure after seeing the unfinished basement and filthy conditions the townhouse was left in when we arrived.

Ack! On the good side though, I am ramping up the guitar business and hope for lotsa students.

Yep I am feeling tooooo goood to just blog all day....sorry fellas. I'll get back to you in a couple days.

God of love, fill us with undreamed of levels of love, joy, peace and accompany us in all of the things we do! In Jesus name. Amen

Getting "high" on change

Ok so we move out tomorrow and I have been awake since 3:30am (ir is 6am now)

on a sliding scale I am on the precipice of 3 out of 5 pucks...still feeling good but a little stressed.

Getting "high" on change is something that is not exclusively for bipolars. While I do think I get high on new ideas, new environments, anything exciting to me, I think everyone in the world lives this way. Y'know the dreamers who are always "Man once I get that promotion life will be GREAT!" ANd it might. But I guess just the reality of crashing after you go up the
"bipolar mountain" and then crash ass-forward down the other side to the "low" stage is something we as a family are bracing for. My counsellor kept hitting me with the solid words of wisdom "you know that moving to Calgary won't solve all your problems" and sometimes that is just what we need to hear, so you can tackle the same old problems in new ways; knowing it is gonna take some time to make sure these problems go away for good. Man I need a whiskey. (I am enamoured with 15 year old single malt Scotch.....just a low tumbler and nothing that rocks the lithium dose that is keeping me ohhh so happy)

God of time and places,
Shelter us, protect and guide us as we make our trek to Alberta. Surround us with your unfailing love and help my girls as they
adjust to a new frontier. We trust in you alone Mighty God. And give us much wisdom as we lay down roots in our new home.
In Jesus Name

I understand your caution. . .

3.5 out of 5 pucks. Things are still smooth.

Tonight my wife & I talked about our impending move and my vocational prospects/responsibilities and crazy bp disorder. It is hard for her to believe in me sometimes and I can't blame her. I have had 3 jobs in the past 6 months and crashed so hard a month ago, that we are moving 12 hours east to be with her family as a "safety net" for her and the girls when I get into my zombie-like depression modes. I have been feeling really great for the past 3 weeks, but Mrs. B is just waiting for the other shoe to drop and enter my down cycle:undoing the last 3 "feel good" weeks I have had.

But I know I am recovering enough to have a stable job and try to beat my 2 year work record in 2006. Plus there are plenty of fine, outstanding bipolar folk who work f/t jobs for years( because I have read all of your blogs!) and certainly crash for a week but then get back to the daily grind.

I am focusing on my own guitar teaching business so far and here's a draft of my flyer:



Nice tag line eh? ( I have never played guitarhero, but hopefully this will attract the kids!)

I know I am a multi-talented person, and it is just getting over some confidence issues and rocking with the marketing that will get me places.

As for my lovely wife & two beautiful girls... I pray that God would help me provide for their daily needs and earn their trust again that "though the ship gets capsized, it can always be righted in due time...to keep above water"



In the strong name of Jesus I ask for your power and love to fill my wife & my girls & I so that we would believe that you are good and trust you for all that we have need of in this world. Father God make me strong in mind & spirit, bring healing to my chemically broken bipolar mind and bring the best job for me in Calgary. Just because you love me in Jesus name, amen