Aug 15th 4:40am - now

Guys I cc's...you are too far away to be of physical use to me ( buy me beer haha) but interceed and pray hard for me when you can:)


Shane, Chris, Dan, Greg:

Hi guys. Just got back into town and I am in sorrow & joy over Nina going home. But that is the least of my problems. I have grieved as much as I could with my community at NLV and am not looking forward to "long distance" grieving... where none of you guys met my beautiful twin sister Nina, but you will get an earful.

Also Nina, being special needs was a terrible liar and she has "gifted" Atara with the courage to speak out to me and how rough our marriage has been during this whole memorial thing. Atara gave me the 6 months or I am "out" ultimatum(if not physically, emotionally...) and I have never been so scared but happy. I knew there was something wrong between us for months. Now we (Atara & I ) can work on it with God living in me -helping.

You are hereby drafted to the "Don't Fuck With Me" club (DFWM): I need friends who I can be accountable to and vulnerable to to make me healthy and my marriage work. Pray and see if God wants you to man up and help...I will be transparent as I can cause, Dad-God can only use truth to heal ...and it is gonna fuckin hurt, but the weight of my life & sorrow is already on Him and I am worshipping my face off ( Loralee Thiessen, dear friend said to me "i love your worshippng heart (even in grief) got me to play the last song for communion on Sunday night "whiter than snow..i've been redeemed"...I was absolutely wrecked, made quite a few mistakes but I worshipped Jesus and rememebred again who I am and who Dad-God is....even in sorrow, even in joy..I will put the full weight of my brokeness on Jesus...I just need those that can help balance the weight when it gets too much.

There is beer too of course.....

ok let me know cause if not I got to get Rod Sawatsky, Ted Jardine, Jeremy Wiebe,Jon Best( you know these guys Shane),Eric Kang, Hector Born, Sean Faulkes, Aaron Blue and others to move here to Calgary. They give THE best man-hugs in a straight way ...of course :P

Thanks for listening...I am getting a Scotch today.

in sorrow & joy and at the feet of Jesus,
Ray


P.S. Hit reply if you get this message . thx
1st John 1

If we walk in the Light as He is in the Light we have fellowship with each other and the blood of Jesus cleanses us from all sin

Aug 14th 7:47pm - Avielle's word

"Jesus is dancing with Nina"
I am crying and worshipping singing adoration-b. brown

and Avielle says "Well ...Jesus needed someone to play with" that's why he took Nina

pictures: grieving with God's power

I am empty but God refuses to stop pouring his love & strength into me.

Picture: Big Eyes with huge tear ducty muscles...
"beacause you have grieved the loss of your Dad with me, you know how to grieve with me....you have the tools to walk out Nina's death. I am with you just like I was 16 years ago"

Atara knows how to fight an battle in prayer too...she prayed and helped bring yuo back to sanity on her knees with Jesus.

SLOW DOWN. Breath. Focus. Jesus is always here and helping you. be open

R

Wake the Fuck Up & Save the Marriage

-100000 pucks and now at 3 pucks

GOt the shit scared out of me today withe Atara's truth talk:
Hate the way i have been treating her, bipolar is my crazy excuse for evrything because I donot wwant to "man u[p" and be present to family.

Scott howell gave me great talkin and brotherhood...I am learning:

2) Honour my woife with what I do for her. How can I llove her. Help her. show her OI love her
2)be responsbile , do not run away/escape hide , blame it on BiP. I can change.
"God can't do it for you" he will empower you when you make step s to choose to live a life right and blessing others.

so much more to say bugt i need to change myself to benefit Atara my best thing that ever haooened to me and my girls.

Nina is being taken care of by God. Never could never lie...she was terrible at it. My dad name : Muchlis means Liar"...i am charting new path to live in the light.

Dad-God love & hjelp me show me how to do it. I lay the weight if my life on you holy God

Love
your boy in CHrist,
R
cheers,

Aug 12th- Jesus & Nina

Avielle to me while I was helping to put her to sleep and cuddling her in my arms:

" I see Jesus & Nina dancing on the (bed) blankets"

sooooo coool!

in sorrow & joy,
Ray

New Feeling of Loss #1

ok somewhere between -1000 and 3 pucks out of 5...is that bipolar enuff for ya:P

So i miss Nina. Today I had my first eureka experience of profound loss. I went bike riding for the first time with my wife & 2 girls (3.5 yr and 1.5 yrs) and while we were picking wild blackberries I said "Hey I can't wait to share this moment with Nina".
But she's gone and with Jesus now.
It is like when I first became a Dad and I learned what it meant to have God's Father-heart. Having Avielle awakened brand new experiences of love & protection I never had before.

*Extention I*
just put Cassia to sleep with Avielle. Avi was singing to her.We were lying on the bed..Then I told her how much I missed Nina and out of the blue Avi said:
"I see God dancing with Nina. Jesus has pants, black jacket and a blue bow tie & Nina is wearing a wedding dress...sparkly dress...."
so how bout that...Praise God thank you jesus

Aug8th-10th & Nina's memorial

I am gonna put together a picture book of Nina's life for Avielle & Cassia.

Still sorrowful yet joyful over the events of the past 5 days and Nina leaving us here to be with Jesus.

Sunday Night (yesterday)

*highlight* Brian Thiessen lead worship and had to leave to drop Tyus his son off at bible camp. Loralee was gonna cover but then asked me to do the last worship song during communion "Whiter Than Snow". She just said to me "I love your worshipping heart" and I was already deeply engaged in worshipping Jesus the whole night ...finding comfort in the strong arms of Jesus and Dad-God as i grieve the loss of my older twin sister Nina, while at the same time being overwhelmed by God's peace that He is taking care of her and Nina is exceedingly happpy to be with Jesus.

Dad-God even said to me during worship:

"I am so proud of you...just like I was 16 years ago'
took me a bit to figure out the numbers....I am 37 now and when I was 21, my earthly dad left my mom/....yet I clung to God and grew into loving, trusting and knowing my Father in Heaven at this time.

Praise the Lord!

guitar chord finder

Here's a tool i found to help you fellow guitar players: has nothing to do with being bipolar : )

hello- I can't sleep

1 out of 5 pucks

Only manic insomneia of epic porportions would drive me to blog again. I have slept for 2 hours tonight (coming on 4:39am!) and am fucking bipolar and stressing out over my sister in the hospital (3 week mental break own...my twin...it does not look goood) and just the shitty news that our "home" will be such for 4 years until our Landlord kicks us out and moves back in. I just hate being transient. I hate--no ---WE hate not owning our own house. And we are doing such a fucking good job of fixing everything up, the landlord can't wait to retire here and move back!!
ahh fuck. I need to pray and relax and ask the only One who can help me to still my heart and pour out love and grace.

Here's the CBC Video blog

5 out of 5 pucks...a rarity, but today was a good day!


Hey look at me! Bipolar 2 on TV and coming at you loud and clear!

Here's the link you can check out:

http://tinyurl.com/cbc-tunes

Father thanks for creating me to work with kids and share your heart! I love you and are grateful for your goodness towards me. All glory is yours. amen