Tired...hope i can disarm this "trigger" for bipolar grumpies

2 out of 5 pucks


whoooooaaaaaaaa......I am running on 6 hours sleep in liue of my usual 8 hour minimum PLUS I have had no "rest" time: time to recharge by doing wht I like whether that is reading or listening to music etc....

For all of you unipolar and non-polar folks, a soft bipolar I like myself needs to be ever vigilant of his "triggers" to help avoid the "bermuda triangle" of a decent into (for me) super grumpy low -grade depression. Low grade meaning I can still claw myself out of bed and do my work even though I am pissed off for most of the day. A rich High grade depression means being comostose in bed with no energy to even breath...[note: i don't have low self seteem issues and neither do I have suicidal tendencies...mine is a loss of energy and fatigue that keeps me from doing life...]

I am sooo looking forward to taking a 1-2 nap to recharge thsi afternoon as I have a great conferenc eto go to on theophosic prayer (www.fathersheart.ca)
it is on how listening to the Holy Spirit to get God-powered counselling and healing for emotions.

I will totally blog how it goes for the next 3 days and share my findings with you.

For the record: It is only the unbreakable love & power of My King & Saviour Jesus that I have any vistory at all over bipolar...I lean on Him entirely and you can too. pus its free! It just costs you your will to live as He does. : )

SO Father...you are the everlasting God, you do not faint or grow weary...
Bless you and thank you for sustaining me today. In my saviou's name Jesus Amen.

Here is a great worship song from a guy who does not have bipolar but who does have chronic fatigue syndrome...meaning he sleeps 14 hours and he feels like he's had 2 hours sleep...


Everlasting God

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon you Lord x 2


Our God, you reign forever
Our hope, our strong deliverer...

You are the everlasting God, the everlasting God
You do not faint, you won't grow weary
You're the defender of the weak, you comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles...


ccli # 4556538
Brenton Brown/Ken Riley, Copyright © 2008 Thankyou Music (PRS) (adm. worldwide by EMI CMG Publishing, excluding Europe, which is adm. by kingswaysongs.com

Happy Birthday to Nina & I

4.5 out of 5 pucks

Today I am 38 years old. I usually share my birthday with my older twin sister Nina, but she is safe with Jesus now and this is my first birthday without her.

But though I miss her, my family gave me one of the best birthdays ever!
I got a mandolin ( as you can see) AND a cool "bob dylan" like harmonica with neck holder....so frackin cool!

anyways here is a continual list I am going to add to about my twin Nina

"Things I miss most or remember most about my beautiful older twin sister Nina Chresnawatie Van Gobel"

1. Her joyful, honest smile
2. How she'd always remember our birthdays and be the first to ask "so what are you doing"
3. Details of her life at Walmart and what Wal-Mart was up to ( she told us months ago that Wal-Mart was gonna be selling groceries too)
4. Her spagetti sauce that was 'home-made'
5. How she'd always say "I love you" to me at the end of our phone conversations
6. How generous she was...always sharing money to take us out to eat.
7. How shw would tell everyone "did you know we're twins" so proudly!

ok there is more but here;s a start.

Thank you Jesus for this wonderful day and have a great birthday with Nina.

Love R

grieving & bipolar

2 out of 5 pucks.

The past 3 days have been brutal. It is my birthday this Friday which I share with my twin sister who passed away last August. I know that is staring to hit me in deep deep ways how much I miss her though she is "safe with Jesus" now [that is a fact: God showed me a picture today of her with Him in heaven and my shared umbilical cord going to heaven where Nina is]

It is hard trying to figure out if the low grade depression that started Sunday is part of my grief or just the Bp cycle. I know I cried today as I mourned for her, so grief is huge and I just need to ride the wave with God. I am stil able to work and do what I need to do but I ebb and flow with a lack of energy.

Here are my low grade bipolar depression symptoms:

-low energy...need to sleep alot to replenish myself
-crabby

but NO suicidal thoughts ( I just haven't had them since Jesus came into my life at 16...over 21 years ago)
-and no low self esteem thoughts...I have a pretty good life and am grateful for His Love that helps and empowers me to live fully

My wife prayed for me today and had a picture from God of me "wearing a snorkel and trying to swim in this huge ocean....I wanted to do so much and God was holding me afloat....sustaining me"

Pretty much how I felt today and am encouraged that besides my meds, God is actively loving and helping me.

I'll tell you how these next few days go....keep me in your prayers.

Father God,
Thanks for holding me as I try to swim in this endless ocean of life....you keep me afloat in all my troubles.
I am grateful for your love that is unbreakable and a huge source of my strength. I lean my grief entirely on you!
In Jesus name. amen

Vancouver 2010

4 out of 5 pucks

Hurray ....for the past 7 days a transformation has happened. I become a "super-olympic jock" and watch the olympics for the duration of the games! This year I sorely miss my sweet home of Vancouver during this years games but the dream to visit some of these olympic sites will happen when I return with new baby boy after his summer birth to visit my mama.

check all the action out here: http://www.ctvolympics.ca

Jesus thanks for the fun of seeing canucks win gold on home soil for the first time..whoohooo! amen

"Change of Pdoc" recital

3 out of 5 pucks

the following is a rehearsed speech I will graciously give my mental health team on why i am leaving them

Mr Dear Dr. P

Thank you for caring for my mental health over the past 7 months. Time sure does go by fast when we are having fun doesn't it?

Now I must be frank with you:

I do not feel supported as your patient and do not feel like we connect. As we both know, the therapeutic relationship is keenly built on trust in order to build a place of safety, trust and healing. Sadly, I feel the same way about Armando my "mental health therapist".

Thank you for respecting my wishes as a patient and best regards.

now what i am thinking in my head but cannot say lest we complicate the situation

"Why do you want to continually feed me mega doses of lithium? My blood-lithium level has ALWAYS been low ...since i was diagnosed 7 years ago and my previous dx-ing pdoc...who has 23 years MORE experience than you has always maitained I only have "acute bipolar disorder" hence the low dosage---that has kept me happy & stable. But alas my rookie think-tank "i only follow text books"pdoc...YOU refuse to read my chart and comply with it! so hence i will be your guineapig no longer. I bid you GOOD DAY SIR!!


*sigh*

God i pray for a smooth & painless exit to a new pdoc tomorrow. : )amen

My Road to Publishing

4 out of 5 pucks

I awoke at 3:30am last night with a couple great writing ideas for books. Minaswell use the hypo-mania creative energy assists while I have it.

Jesus please bless my writing efforts, thanks for gifting me with this gift for words

OBAD rulz!

5 out of 5 pucks

I know its a rarity, but tonight i hit the bullseye and won olympic gold.

The OBAD (Organization for Bipolar Affective Disorder) in Calgary meeting was just soooo great.
Met a handful of folk who are recovering from BP and who are seasoned veterans at battling this disorder.
Felt listened too, understood, encouraged and educated. Felt like i found my "tribe" as Lizzie Simon says

2 hours with this band of fine folk was like a year with my go no where mental health therapist. (he's a nice guy but kinda useless to my road to recovery)

Things I am going to work on more:

1)recovery action plan
2)knowing my triggers
3)how to be more proactive in battling bp

Father thank you for my new bp friends who are rising above their broken minds...may they know your deep love and support.
In Jesus name, R

FIrst Saturday of 2010

2 and then 4 out of 5 pucks

Happy New Year 2010 folks

Today a minor episode of low-end bipolar grumpiness came during a brief "marriage touch up" conversation. My wife & I are working on our relationship hard core and when it gets stressful, i first get bipolar grumpy and then bp drained and tired.
And there is just no way to avoid these transparent conversations if you wanna grow in love with your soul-mate.
So after I slept it off, I felt much better and we started having a decent relationship again.

Here's to all of us working through our real issues with God in hand so we can bring about growth and change and even deeper love to those we are called to be with.

Jesus: help us love like you do--in such openness and forgiveness that all who we embrace are changed. Thanks for your power, your heart and your presence to make this prayer a reality.
For your kingdom's sake, RV

Merry Christmas all & BPHop Forum rules

5 out of 5 pucks...I know this is a rarity. (phone guiness world records...and the beer company! : P)

Merry Christmas all!

As a Christmas present to myself I just joined BPhope forum & chatroom
and am super happy to find some other bp folks like myself.

Family is eatting "pillsbury cinnamon buns" fresh out of the can and out of the oven. very good for a frozen product.

May you remember the Christ Child---ultimately it is the power of Christ Jesus that I tap into to help me overcome bipolar; and His love is an endless resource.

Thank you Father for the ultimate gift of your son Jesus that gives, life, power, full acceptance and the ability to draw near to you. You make life work well God. I honour you today. in Jesus name. amen RV

Responsible Distancing in Healing Marriage

2 out of 5 pucks

I am feeling the weight of my punishment now.
My wife & girls are away for a week, while we process thru some of our marriage issues. It is "responsible distancing' as Terrance Real says (google him, he's a great family therapist) explaining why you need space and when you will return.

Coming home to an empty house is brutal. I still see my girls every other day, but knowing the hurt I have given my wife is hard to push through. We have confessed we still love each other, but I need to take strong responsibility for our lives & relationship. Managing my bipolar with way less 'down' time in the past 3 months since Nina died has shown my wife I am capable of alot more than I have been doing. hiding behind bipolar is no longer an option and I make no excuses unless I have really hit the bp wall and I need a day or two to regather my strength.

I have consistently gone to work and taken care of business for 3 months with only 1 or 2 'bp days'. I forced myself to keep going and God just lifted off any funk I'd be in within hours of pressing ahead....it is a great skill I am learning to use.

My 'sentence' ends Friday when my wife & girls come home, but i miss them now.

Hold me God and walk beside me in my waiting.amen