Bromance with Eric is over

if you know your brother has something against you, come and show him his fault
And then if you win your brother over, go present your gift to the altar
Mathew 5:23
If your brother wrongs you, go and show him his fault, between you and him privately. If he listens to you, you have won back your brother.
Mathew 18

Well after 6 months of not talking I initiated a talk so we could resolve things
We agreed to disagree. His approach to blasting people with letters is unchanged and he was unrepentant. To his credit he did say that he needs letters to communicate his thoughts and he could've tried a bit more gentleness. He also did say he was in a wounded place and kind of unsettled after a shit exp in winnipeg somhe was grumpy --the end I think 3 things:

1) I was more into him as a friend than he was to me: I blubbered that I loved him, was hurt bad by him and missed his friendship. He smiled but did try hard to reciprocate..

2) he's a loose cannon. All of his prophetic rebukes don't have a community/church/friends to help back up his "opinions/words from God". If he feels God is convicting him to speak out harshly against sOmeone, he better have the fucking backing of someone else who follows the same God and agrees with him, or else it's here is the fruit.

Tried to reason with him that he was doing more harm than good in tearing down his brothers instead of edifying them.

And his " I like to send a letter, let them process my rebuke and wait for them to respond is kinda fucked up. Why would people respond to you if you yell at them?

I now am a bit skeptical of his "judgements" and "prophesies"

Like he burns down a house and after people get out he tells them why he burned the house down in the first place. Much better to give the people an explanation why he has to set the house on fire and lovingly guide them out.*sigh* whatever

3) seems like he has never been wrong in his life, and enjoys being right.

Anyways it was a man- break up and I feel a lot of peace that I said my peace and tried hard to listen to him. But now have regulated him to the 2nd- maybe 3rd tier of friendships that I don't really want to pursue at all.

Ah well. Better to know and grow through this now the later.

He's heading down a dangerous path as a lone wolf by himself and now I question the validity of why he always has conflict at churches and has had so many lost ministry experiences

Ah well. Better to leave this alone . God'll work things out with him
God bless Eric.

Lots of reconciling & business learning

Ok at the end of the day I get weirded out by people bartering with me for services.
3 coffee shops,1 bookstore, city of Calgary & libraries and YMCA & Discovery House Shelter and nobody haggles prices with me but this huge conglomerate says:

We spend $5000 on advertising so we need you to do 10 shows for free to pay for advertising your kids shows. Meanwhile everyone else is like " cool do my coffee shop lets split advertising. Bye

As well I am learning about spiritual warfare and not slandering anybody.
James 3: True wisdom

Gonna read it now.

Stay blessed!

My God's words to me

@ NCV I just really felt like worshipping in a way that my soul was yelling out how much I loved father God and how much I needed him.

As I pushed back all of my anxieties and fears
He scooped me up I his arms & loved me

1)don't be add afraid to worship me cause you have to look after your kids( and are distracted)
That's so silly and ridiculous

Pic: yellow brick road leading to Gods heart for my kids to follow as I lay my heart open to Jesus

2) Jesus radio frequency:Tune in to my voice to drown out all the raging loud voices of your fears anxieties and enemy's lies

3)pic: my guitar in God's room at the altar.
"need to worship and not just work-minister with my guitar

1st store/ "Birthday guy"

1st children's store had another 3 child turn out.
Well 2 new kids from FB and 1 from church.

6 CDS are in store. Sold to date: 0/6

Zero.

On the bright side,I am really relieved and content to be the
"birthday guy"
There are a lot of children musicians that end up just being p/t performers
Or entertainers that no one knows shit about.
I googled tons.
Not everyone gets to be like B&L on Treehouse.

I get it.
S
Now I can lower my expectations of myself and stop stressing over trying to be the next fucking wiggles. Fuck.

So glad I did not book a huge venue for a Saturday show: like fuckin Trico, I would be throwing away another:$800

Feel a lot of peace about finding another job. Hope I get called back for this $20hr family worker job.

Seacrest out!

No Way Out

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We will never have the money or resources to leave Calgary.

Brutal

Ok...backing tracks=ass?

ok so there is a popular kids music duo called B&L.

I can see how they have music videos on treehouse now and yes of course i have been jealous of their fame.

but the whole time i kept preening to myself " yeah but those bitches don't even play their own instruments! FAKERS!"

"Anyone can jump and lip sync to backing tracks..."

well NOW who's the Dumbass? ( everyone point at me...yep...get your neighbours in on this too...)

((SIGH...yeah those 3 gay looking fucks playin keys ( synth drums, bass and acoustic) are their band.

doh!! fuckin d'oh!
They have a fucking band with them..some guitar guy and a bass guy..and they just worry about lead vocals...

those sassy bitches are fuckin BRILLIANT!

My backing tracks suck ASS when I am leading a song with them. ..fuck..me

I have been mocking B&L b/c those bitches can't be spontaneous when they have a backing track...but fuck me! They can have a real organic show with a band to follow them around...

*sigh*

i just can't win

What the hell happened to the 4 year plan? -Part 2

"I've made a huge mistake" Arrested Developement line

ok maybe not a huge mistake, but I am seriously waking the fuck up to where my life is NOW and where it is going as the gravity of reality pulls me forward.

#1) My kids music business is NOT expanding after 3 years.

It is getting smaller.

Kinda had it in mind that with a cd, I would really start to grow this thing.

Not so.

In fact, I have projected TOO much.

Case in point, doubling up my bi-monthly concerts at a rented leisure facility is killing me now.

I have had "zero" audience twice now, and my ad has been seen by hundreds.

Ok. I know I am bitchin up a storm right now but the truth is, i don't have any friends in Calgary.
I am so lonely..starving socially.

now lets really write down what I don't fucking have money for.
The fuckin...essentials of life: (everyone else can buy without worry)

1. Avielle needs new clothes(pajamas)
2. my teeth need serious dentistry or i will be eating mush for the remainder of my life
3. glasses..i can't fuckin see and need a new pair of glasses
4. CPAP machine is almost totally fucking broken
5. CAR. If our friends weren't lending us there wheels we would be so fucked

and as well, I had the shit fuckstorm of a dead concert ever today. It was the worst birthday concert i ever did. I was so out of it, that I didn't even let the kids play my guitar afterwards like i usually do.it was so painful and the kids were so totally not engaged or listening to me at all.

very wretched. made me question ( what the FUCK are you doing? They are paying you $225 and you are robbing them blind with your dumbass forgettable performance..you SUCK!)

ok **** gonna go de-escalate right now cause i am fucking fucking depressed

What the hell happened to the 4 year plan?

Time for some serious re-evaluation.

Are we happy here?

Not making enough money or anything.

No friends, our church is semi-lame.

And I don't know if we can change directions. It is like getting stuck in quicksand.

We have been here 2 years longer than I expected, and now with Avielle
At homeschool.... This will be tremendously hard to uproot

Fuck.

Thank you for

Thank you God for letting me have this music job.

A lot of sacrifices have been made, and I should not grumble or complain when it is slow.

I need to be content, whether I am playing to 14 kids or none at all (like todays 'zero' audience).

I definitely can't hype it up. I may never get bigger than this: There isn't a promise that God gives you when you are following him to be rich or famous or talented or anything. It is just to be obedient.

I have truly tried to be that. and I am grateful for the opportunity.
It has been a good ride.

I also realize that I have not prayed hard into these things: wisdom in decisions made may have been more fruitful. Instead I have been manipulated by my own wisdom and insecurities.

I just lay the full weight of my future on Him. I fully trust Him to provide for all my needs----and my family's needs.

and it is probrably gonna mean another job but I am ok with that.

Thank you Lord

Remember your limitations-act wisely

So I have neither the talent or the resources to take my kids music business further.

That is just the hardcore reality.

My family suffers if I do not attempt to be responsible and make a living that supports all of our needs.

Unless God opens more doors,there is little I can do:

I have lost 2 huge clients since I started this business including:
-PreKindergarten
-Appletree

Smaller
-Great Beginnings

I have also lost ALL of my audience from last years
cedarbrae concerts. ALL of them.
Unless I can work huge shows Fri-sun,it is not gonna happen.

I will have to run music classes like everyone else

I also still want to move to Vancouver and that will definitely NOT happen
If nothing changes with my income

It has been a great ride.

Time to go forward and look ahead.

Rv