Balancing my emotions - new self management insights

New Self Management Scoring:

10  is super manic...i need to be in a psyc ward
  5  is balanced and even. This is where you want to live.
  1  is super deppressed/suicidal....(lowest I have ever gotten is a 3..i like myself

Wow.

Even score. I am a 5.

Praying for God's wisdom & supernatural discernment to be fully self-aware of my mood swings.
At 3:30pm today a "shift" happened in my spirit, my deep emotions & soul. 
This was a direct result of having Father God pour out eternal, nourishing love, rest & peace on me.
Listening and worshiping & receiving from my Life-giving Father God:
"When You Shepherd Me" Brian Doerksen song (youtube)
My mind was still and felt empty like a large auditorium was just vacated...
In that moment, I became fully aware that a hundred creative, well intentioned thoughts & ideas were 
not clamouring for my attention, like a mob of school children having a food fight in a well stocked cafeteria.
To unravel this further...the only thing my mind was conscious of was my in the moment processes andminute by minute decisions I was making. I did not have:
ok gotta remember this...ok Jeff called...ok i think i can work on my webpage tomorrow...what if I started another music class in Okotoks....etc...
It was just: I am gonna type in my blog.
Balance is a beautiful thing. I am gonna pray harder and more intently for God's  power to discern my 
"hypo-mania" because that is the hardest and that is when I am all over the place...scatter-brained, not shutting up, processing too much and too fast.
Fighting deppression is way easier cause I know my mixed state lows:
   -grumpy ( hypomanic-irritated cause of my tunnel-vision wanting to do something NOW...impulsively)
   -low energy...just lethargic and hard to move..not "woe is me" but  "sooo tired"; thoughts are  a little
   more negative, but I am self aware and can battle this to be well and CBT my way to health with 
   God's power. =D
    

This is my beautiful family: let me brag about my beautiful wife.

I fell in love with A over 14 years ago. We have been married 12 years, my mood disorder popped up fresh into our 2nd year as newlyweds. It was a brutal time. She could've left me right then and there in the hospital. I would not have blamed her at all. But she held onto God and His promises and she believed in me and us. And she & I have been given  3 gorgeous children to love forever and together.

A is also  like the person who gives you the warning lights on your dashboard: the engine is a little off. There is a funny sound. The oil pan is leaking a tad too much.  

I am praying and wanting so bad the ability to determine when I am in a "mood" so I can 'self adjust' and make the strong corrections needed to balance out my mental health and my bipolar ride.

To my credit, I am finally becoming more self aware of when my thoughts are balanced and I am emotionally even.

That is a good name for a book; "Emotionally Even:  How to Balance Your Bipolar Moods"

Day 6 -Lamotrigine still kicking my ass

Yeah so I slept 14 hours again today and I think that feeling out of sorts/ dizzy contributes to more lethargy that affects my mood and energy negatively.
I am choked that I need 6 weeks for this to take effect

so tired

day 3 of this med change and i am frackin tired all the time...sleeping in till 11-1pm.

3 cups of java and STILL tired.

 Frack me.

Med change: June 24th - day 2

Got a new P-doc this past Weds.

Trying new medication to eliminate all deppression & curb highs as well.
I have been cycling more rapidly and getting a bit more hypo manic at times of stress.

Going from Lithium 600 mgs & Elavil 25mg

to  Lamotrigine[LM] (mood stablizer)  & Seroquil ( to get rid of mania)

LM takes 6-8 weeks to work and starts at 15mg for 2 weeks to 25mgs for 2 weeks to 50 mgs for 2 weeks to 75mgs for 2 weeks ( 8 weeks total)

LM usual dosage is 100-500mg i think...but no toxicity like Lithium.

Seroquil has the side effect of weight gain so that sucks.

after 2 days, i am feeling groggy and my cognitive ability feels slow and sluggish...but we'll see if it is worth it in 6 weeks

Micah, being a Twin w/Nina

3 out of 5 pucks

"With Micah I am going to teach you how to be still"-God

Just spending time in God's presence as I try to "father-nurse" Micah to sleep. Realized he doesn't like me singing him a lullaby to get sleepy. Also reminded by the Holy Spirit of Nina & I in the womb as babies.

here is my family with my twin Nina & I at 1.5 years.
had a sense today that maybe i felt responsible  for my twin being sick/special needs in the womb...maybe thats why i always felt uncomfortale around her and would distance myself.

Precious Nina's 1 yr heaven dat is this week...i love her and miss her dearly but she is living the richest life imaginable with our Saviour Jesus. This life counts for nothing if he is not your God--believe me!

Jesus i love you ...thank you for taking care of my beloved older twin sister Nina

amen

4 out of 5 pucks

Today my little Cassia is 2 years old! Happy Birthday to my youngest daughter:

Now..onto my blogging

A couple weeks ago, I took out "The Bipolar Relationship" book for my wife to read thinking 'well this will be encouraging and helpful to her' and the end result was:

Not. At. All.

My wife in fact read it while I was at work one evening and she said it ended up depressing her and making her SERIOUSLY doubt our relationship!! After some debriefing and reassuring, she said that the book basically preached:

You can never ever let your guard down cause one day your bipolar other will go psycho and you can't trust them ever because they are sick.

WHAT THE FACE!! ( see Modern Family on ABC for Phil's remark on this classic tv line: )  )

My wife & I happen to have a good trusting relationship that is able to distinguish illness from loving intention ( most of the time).  And we both want to strongly NOT recommend reading this piece of trash book as it is a "relationship killer".

Ok so there's my second book review after Electro-boy ( find it in the archives....can't find a link to it right now :P)

Jesus, thank you for GOOD bipolar books that help couples out there and help us to find resources that can help me and my bp community. amen

Diabetes...this time I have to deal with it

3 out of 5 pucks

Soooo what's new you ask?

Well my diabetes that I have been in denial over has crossed from "acute" to "here's your EKG test and you better look after yourself or you will be leaving this world veeerrrryyy soon!"

Again I am not afraid of death, as I will meet Jesus on the other side, but I feel I still have some things to look out for while I am here on terra firma....i.e. my two little girls and the birth of my baby boy in 3 months....

So I am starving right now...am on brand new "sugar lowering" meds ( 3 X a day....and no beer...*wah*) and testing my blood sugar like crazy.


I was diagnosed with diabtetes in 2002 around the same time as my first bipolar expisode, but have been in denial about it and pretty much eatting and drinking whatever I wanted.

My blood sugar AFTER 10 hrs fasting was 10.7.......and it should've been 6 or less....even a 4....

so I am gonna be as repsponsible with diabetes as I am being with Bipolar.

Cause I just don't have a choice.

Jesus; this is huge. help me take care of my body and develope some healthy eatting habits. I am sure I will lose tons of weight as a result of this so get me to a healthy 180 from the 207lbs I am now. Thanks God

Theophostic - Day 2

4.9 out of 5 pucks.....yeah I am doing reaaallly goood!

I had a chance to do some Emmanuel Prayer Counselling as art of the 3 day Immanuel Training session and it was really good. I am still processing alot, but from what i've learned so far, I can be a healthier, more spiritually & emotionally balanced bipolar as I bring damaged parts of my heart & life to Jesus. The huge picture Jesus gave me today was of a bed and i needed to rest in it....except there was barbwire & rocks in the bed...making it uncomfortable.

Level 1: Basic attachment skills are key to life....learning how to be at rest and comfortable with yourself. you learn this when you are a baby and when mom & dad nurture you and give you affection...this is where you feel 'wanted'

With bipolar I am always running a 100 miles an hour and I have to train myself to "stop & do nothing"...go in the opposite spirit....quiet and 'self sooth' in a healthy way.

I am learning that now and God is starting to take the barbwire out of my bed so i can rest there.

stay tuned

Jesus...help me to lovingly attach to you...help me to rest and be quiet & still...Bipolar be at rest in Jesus name. amen
RV

Tired...hope i can disarm this "trigger" for bipolar grumpies

2 out of 5 pucks


whoooooaaaaaaaa......I am running on 6 hours sleep in liue of my usual 8 hour minimum PLUS I have had no "rest" time: time to recharge by doing wht I like whether that is reading or listening to music etc....

For all of you unipolar and non-polar folks, a soft bipolar I like myself needs to be ever vigilant of his "triggers" to help avoid the "bermuda triangle" of a decent into (for me) super grumpy low -grade depression. Low grade meaning I can still claw myself out of bed and do my work even though I am pissed off for most of the day. A rich High grade depression means being comostose in bed with no energy to even breath...[note: i don't have low self seteem issues and neither do I have suicidal tendencies...mine is a loss of energy and fatigue that keeps me from doing life...]

I am sooo looking forward to taking a 1-2 nap to recharge thsi afternoon as I have a great conferenc eto go to on theophosic prayer (www.fathersheart.ca)
it is on how listening to the Holy Spirit to get God-powered counselling and healing for emotions.

I will totally blog how it goes for the next 3 days and share my findings with you.

For the record: It is only the unbreakable love & power of My King & Saviour Jesus that I have any vistory at all over bipolar...I lean on Him entirely and you can too. pus its free! It just costs you your will to live as He does. : )

SO Father...you are the everlasting God, you do not faint or grow weary...
Bless you and thank you for sustaining me today. In my saviou's name Jesus Amen.

Here is a great worship song from a guy who does not have bipolar but who does have chronic fatigue syndrome...meaning he sleeps 14 hours and he feels like he's had 2 hours sleep...


Everlasting God

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon you Lord x 2


Our God, you reign forever
Our hope, our strong deliverer...

You are the everlasting God, the everlasting God
You do not faint, you won't grow weary
You're the defender of the weak, you comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles...


ccli # 4556538
Brenton Brown/Ken Riley, Copyright © 2008 Thankyou Music (PRS) (adm. worldwide by EMI CMG Publishing, excluding Europe, which is adm. by kingswaysongs.com

Happy Birthday to Nina & I

4.5 out of 5 pucks

Today I am 38 years old. I usually share my birthday with my older twin sister Nina, but she is safe with Jesus now and this is my first birthday without her.

But though I miss her, my family gave me one of the best birthdays ever!
I got a mandolin ( as you can see) AND a cool "bob dylan" like harmonica with neck holder....so frackin cool!

anyways here is a continual list I am going to add to about my twin Nina

"Things I miss most or remember most about my beautiful older twin sister Nina Chresnawatie Van Gobel"

1. Her joyful, honest smile
2. How she'd always remember our birthdays and be the first to ask "so what are you doing"
3. Details of her life at Walmart and what Wal-Mart was up to ( she told us months ago that Wal-Mart was gonna be selling groceries too)
4. Her spagetti sauce that was 'home-made'
5. How she'd always say "I love you" to me at the end of our phone conversations
6. How generous she was...always sharing money to take us out to eat.
7. How shw would tell everyone "did you know we're twins" so proudly!

ok there is more but here;s a start.

Thank you Jesus for this wonderful day and have a great birthday with Nina.

Love R