Lots of reconciling & business learning

Ok at the end of the day I get weirded out by people bartering with me for services.
3 coffee shops,1 bookstore, city of Calgary & libraries and YMCA & Discovery House Shelter and nobody haggles prices with me but this huge conglomerate says:

We spend $5000 on advertising so we need you to do 10 shows for free to pay for advertising your kids shows. Meanwhile everyone else is like " cool do my coffee shop lets split advertising. Bye

As well I am learning about spiritual warfare and not slandering anybody.
James 3: True wisdom

Gonna read it now.

Stay blessed!

My God's words to me

@ NCV I just really felt like worshipping in a way that my soul was yelling out how much I loved father God and how much I needed him.

As I pushed back all of my anxieties and fears
He scooped me up I his arms & loved me

1)don't be add afraid to worship me cause you have to look after your kids( and are distracted)
That's so silly and ridiculous

Pic: yellow brick road leading to Gods heart for my kids to follow as I lay my heart open to Jesus

2) Jesus radio frequency:Tune in to my voice to drown out all the raging loud voices of your fears anxieties and enemy's lies

3)pic: my guitar in God's room at the altar.
"need to worship and not just work-minister with my guitar

1st store/ "Birthday guy"

1st children's store had another 3 child turn out.
Well 2 new kids from FB and 1 from church.

6 CDS are in store. Sold to date: 0/6

Zero.

On the bright side,I am really relieved and content to be the
"birthday guy"
There are a lot of children musicians that end up just being p/t performers
Or entertainers that no one knows shit about.
I googled tons.
Not everyone gets to be like B&L on Treehouse.

I get it.
S
Now I can lower my expectations of myself and stop stressing over trying to be the next fucking wiggles. Fuck.

So glad I did not book a huge venue for a Saturday show: like fuckin Trico, I would be throwing away another:$800

Feel a lot of peace about finding another job. Hope I get called back for this $20hr family worker job.

Seacrest out!

No Way Out

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We will never have the money or resources to leave Calgary.

Brutal

Ok...backing tracks=ass?

ok so there is a popular kids music duo called B&L.

I can see how they have music videos on treehouse now and yes of course i have been jealous of their fame.

but the whole time i kept preening to myself " yeah but those bitches don't even play their own instruments! FAKERS!"

"Anyone can jump and lip sync to backing tracks..."

well NOW who's the Dumbass? ( everyone point at me...yep...get your neighbours in on this too...)

((SIGH...yeah those 3 gay looking fucks playin keys ( synth drums, bass and acoustic) are their band.

doh!! fuckin d'oh!
They have a fucking band with them..some guitar guy and a bass guy..and they just worry about lead vocals...

those sassy bitches are fuckin BRILLIANT!

My backing tracks suck ASS when I am leading a song with them. ..fuck..me

I have been mocking B&L b/c those bitches can't be spontaneous when they have a backing track...but fuck me! They can have a real organic show with a band to follow them around...

*sigh*

i just can't win

What the hell happened to the 4 year plan? -Part 2

"I've made a huge mistake" Arrested Developement line

ok maybe not a huge mistake, but I am seriously waking the fuck up to where my life is NOW and where it is going as the gravity of reality pulls me forward.

#1) My kids music business is NOT expanding after 3 years.

It is getting smaller.

Kinda had it in mind that with a cd, I would really start to grow this thing.

Not so.

In fact, I have projected TOO much.

Case in point, doubling up my bi-monthly concerts at a rented leisure facility is killing me now.

I have had "zero" audience twice now, and my ad has been seen by hundreds.

Ok. I know I am bitchin up a storm right now but the truth is, i don't have any friends in Calgary.
I am so lonely..starving socially.

now lets really write down what I don't fucking have money for.
The fuckin...essentials of life: (everyone else can buy without worry)

1. Avielle needs new clothes(pajamas)
2. my teeth need serious dentistry or i will be eating mush for the remainder of my life
3. glasses..i can't fuckin see and need a new pair of glasses
4. CPAP machine is almost totally fucking broken
5. CAR. If our friends weren't lending us there wheels we would be so fucked

and as well, I had the shit fuckstorm of a dead concert ever today. It was the worst birthday concert i ever did. I was so out of it, that I didn't even let the kids play my guitar afterwards like i usually do.it was so painful and the kids were so totally not engaged or listening to me at all.

very wretched. made me question ( what the FUCK are you doing? They are paying you $225 and you are robbing them blind with your dumbass forgettable performance..you SUCK!)

ok **** gonna go de-escalate right now cause i am fucking fucking depressed

What the hell happened to the 4 year plan?

Time for some serious re-evaluation.

Are we happy here?

Not making enough money or anything.

No friends, our church is semi-lame.

And I don't know if we can change directions. It is like getting stuck in quicksand.

We have been here 2 years longer than I expected, and now with Avielle
At homeschool.... This will be tremendously hard to uproot

Fuck.

Thank you for

Thank you God for letting me have this music job.

A lot of sacrifices have been made, and I should not grumble or complain when it is slow.

I need to be content, whether I am playing to 14 kids or none at all (like todays 'zero' audience).

I definitely can't hype it up. I may never get bigger than this: There isn't a promise that God gives you when you are following him to be rich or famous or talented or anything. It is just to be obedient.

I have truly tried to be that. and I am grateful for the opportunity.
It has been a good ride.

I also realize that I have not prayed hard into these things: wisdom in decisions made may have been more fruitful. Instead I have been manipulated by my own wisdom and insecurities.

I just lay the full weight of my future on Him. I fully trust Him to provide for all my needs----and my family's needs.

and it is probrably gonna mean another job but I am ok with that.

Thank you Lord

Remember your limitations-act wisely

So I have neither the talent or the resources to take my kids music business further.

That is just the hardcore reality.

My family suffers if I do not attempt to be responsible and make a living that supports all of our needs.

Unless God opens more doors,there is little I can do:

I have lost 2 huge clients since I started this business including:
-PreKindergarten
-Appletree

Smaller
-Great Beginnings

I have also lost ALL of my audience from last years
cedarbrae concerts. ALL of them.
Unless I can work huge shows Fri-sun,it is not gonna happen.

I will have to run music classes like everyone else

I also still want to move to Vancouver and that will definitely NOT happen
If nothing changes with my income

It has been a great ride.

Time to go forward and look ahead.

Rv

Stuck with no crowd...my music in a vortex

So it has been 3 years since my kids music business started.

3 years.

3 years and no big crowds.

3 years and I have lost 2 big preschool & pre-K clients

3 years and I played to 7 kids today @ my bi-weekly Friday shows.

3 years and i and my wife are still killing ourselves at an evening janitor job that we hate...5 days a week.

3 years and making $400

3 years and 2011 I make $680 less due to a bipolar rage episode I had with one big preschool ( did i mention i lost them)

3 years and I don't know if its fair to my family and myself, as it seems I cannot responsibly provide.

3 years and i HAVEN'T led any children to Christ like I felt called to do.

3 years and I am 39 years old and I wonder if I can keep this up

3 years and I am facing the reality that my fuck-head friend Eric was right. I should give the fuck up on this dream, "wake up" and get a real job to provide for my family.

3 years and I have been completely stressed out.

3 years and I am now depressed and don't think I can "will" this kids music business to work.